---------------------------------------- Note 6 popework *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 5/27/80 9:01 pm graper / udperuse / unidel Dear Friends: I've run out of space in the Graper Humour Testing Grounds filespaces so I'm going to have to release some stuff that is in questionable taste. Better stuff is on its way. Your Friend, Dr. Graper ---------------------------------------- Response 1 of 26 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 5/27/80 9:02 pm graper / udperuse / unidel The high-school female, dressed in the smart uniform of the drive-thru burger joint she worked for, walked out to the parked Eldorado in the east lot. She had in her hands the "order" that the humans in the Eldorado had given her via the remote control order intercom. "Thank you, miss," the elderly couple inside said. They smelled of Avon cologne and had lots of maps all over the back seat. These were people you had no trouble with. "Hey, I wanna order something!! I wanna order something!!" said a voice hidden in a multicoloured Rambler. The high school female ignored them. "Hey, bitch, I wanna Muffburger and a side order of thighs!!" the person inside shouted. His friend appreciated this and encouraged him to shout it again. The high school female continued to ignore them. "Hey bitch, I'm talking to you!!" Several people in the lot were beginning to take notice. ---------------------------------------- Response 2 of 26 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 5/27/80 9:04 pm graper / udperuse / unidel The Burger Joint was, in 1980 America, the equivalent of the old theater of Greece or collisseum in Rome, providing the forum for the exposition of contem- porary modes of thought and opinion via dramatized expression. The high school female dissappeared into the Burger joint's building to get another order to bring out to another car. Although she was not showing it, there was a great deal of adrenaline flowing in her bloodstream. She was feeling both nervous and afraid. In 1980, due to the large change in hierarchical social relationships of the previous decades many individuals would compensate for perceived social injustices taken against them by behaving in an excessively boisterous, attention getting manner such as driving in multicoloured Ramblers and shouting at people. These individuals were unfortunately reknowned for their unstable mental chemistry and were quite easy to excite into violent states. This ---------------------------------------- Response 3 of 26 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 5/27/80 9:05 pm graper / udperuse / unidel knowledge was what made the high school female afraid. She came out with a very large amount of food on a platter. She was aiming herself at a large Pontiac Sunbird filled with two adult humans and four smaller humans in varying stages of development, all making a great deal of noise and all feeling upset at how long they were having to wait for their order. The nasty people in the Dodge Rambler began shouting at her again. "Hey, bitch, why dontcha come over here?" She walked away towards the Pontiac Sunbird. "You got a nice set, dontcha? I'd give ya a nine-seven at least!!" This meant that on a hypothetical scale of sexual attractiveness from 1 to 10, she would rate 9.7. She was feeling extremely anxious at this time and tripped slightly, dropping one of the soft-drinks the people in the Sunbird ordered. ---------------------------------------- Response 4 of 26 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 5/27/80 9:06 pm graper / udperuse / unidel "Butterfingers!" the people in the Rambler shouted. The poor high school female's eyes began to grow wet. This was a very trying day for her. When she returned to the inside of the Burger Joint she asked the manager to let her work inside the building for the rest of the day. By this time, she was crying a great deal. She pointed to the car out in the East parking lot. Mr. Smith, the manager, looked out at the parked Rambler and said he'd take care of it. The high school female was assigned to cleaning tables inside the Burger Joint. Inside the Rambler, two 20 year old caucasian human males of approximately 160 pounds apiece sat, waiting for the high school female to come back out. She didn't. "Wonder where the hell that bitch is?" Jimmy, the larger male, asked. ---------------------------------------- Response 5 of 26 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 5/27/80 9:07 pm graper / udperuse / unidel "Probably fuckin' the boss, man," the other male, Ronnie, cleverly hypothesized. These were very sorry individuals. The back seat of the Rambler was filled with low-quality pornographic magazines whose titles promised such delights as "Pinkest Beavers Ever!" and "Sheba the Biker: She'll take all Comers!" Both lived with their parents and masturbated over 15 times a day. "Hey, isn't that her?" Ronnie asked, pointing at the Burger Joint building's main window. There, behind the glass, the shaken high-school female was quietly and efficiently cleaning tables. "Yeah, that's the bitch." "Hey, I'm in the mood for a little restaurant dining, aren't you?" Ronnie asked. Jimmy smiled. This would provide an even greater chance to harass and hopefully humiliate this female. "Yeah, let's go in there and give that bitch a little talking to." ---------------------------------------- Response 6 of 26 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 5/27/80 9:08 pm graper / udperuse / unidel They left the car and went into the building. The high-school female became frightened. They sat at their table and talked to one another about how much fun it would be to sleep with her. This made her "all knotted-up inside." She went to the manager again. He asked them to leave. They left, but promised to "get what they wanted." They wheeled out in their Dodge Rambler. Everything was OK for a while. However, the Burger Joint closed at 11. The Rambler was back in the parking lot of the Burger Joint at 10:30. The high-school female had to close up the store. She would be the last to leave. Uh oh. At the Sleepy Bear hotel outside of town, inside a clean but dingy little room the Pope was sitting on the fold out bed watching television. The air conditioner was running and he had the television on a bit louder to be heard over it. ---------------------------------------- Response 7 of 26 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 5/27/80 9:10 pm graper / udperuse / unidel "Tonight's special guest: Mr. Roth Hammond!" The show host clapped as Roth Hammond, a great writer of novels or something, pushed aside the curtains and walked up to the desk the host was sitting behind. "How you doing, Roth?" "Well, I'm selling a new book and will be making guest appearances at Jungle World Park, New Jersey next week, then a two week stint in Las Vegas at the Vasco de Gama lounge, then I'll be working with Stanley Kubrick on a new film that's tenatively called 'The Enlightening'." There was applause. The Pope yawned. He reached into a bag of Bar-B-Que potato chips and found nothing but Bar-B-Que potato chip dust on the bottom. "Out of chips," he said to himself. "What's the new book about," Johnny Fontaine, the show host, asked the novelist. "Well, it's about. . .about. . ." ---------------------------------------- Response 8 of 26 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 5/27/80 9:11 pm graper / udperuse / unidel The novelist's face changed very slightly and hardly noticeably, but there was a change. Johnny Fontaine looked slightly nervous, thinking the man might be having a quiet heart attack live on his show. "about. . .about a high school female, trapped in a Burger Joint ten miles south of town, just go through the main intersection and it's on the left, and she's being harassed by two snotty little people. . .will become violent situation. . .she is destined to become Saint Amanda in 2022 as a helper of the poor. . .must be saved at all costs snotty little people totally expendable. . ." The pope was watching intently. He knew what was going on. God was poking his divine finger around in the novelist's brain. "Ah, pretty interesting there Ron," the show host said nervously. This was making no sense to him and on television, things must make sense. He looked at the novelist. He had a glassy stare out into the audience ---------------------------------------- Response 9 of 26 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 5/27/80 9:13 pm graper / udperuse / unidel and his hair was lifted slightly, as if he was full of static electricity. Well, when in trouble or in doubt, go to a commercial, Johnny thought to himself. "We'll be right back after this word . . ." "Female high school student frightened. . .now locking main doors. . .must leave in few minutes since burglar alarm automatically turns on. . ." Johnny smiled into the camera, expecting it to fade to a commercial so he and the stage manager could get what he thought was an insane novelist off his set. But the little red "LIVE" light on the camera stayed on. The TV director was actually the one going insane at this point. All three film chains which were supposed run the commercials were strangely stuck and the engineer on duty couldn't figure out what happened to them. Compounded with this was the fact that all the video switching devices were suddenly jammed and that it was impossible to do anything short of shut down the station ---------------------------------------- Response 10 of 26 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 5/27/80 9:15 pm graper / udperuse / unidel to change from the single camera shot of Johnny Fontaine and his guest. Incidentally, even if he tried that wouldn't work either. Johnny Fontaine kept smiling at the camera, waiting for the red LIVE light to go off. It didn't. The novelist began speaking again. "High School female now looking outside. . .must turn out parking lot lights. . .unfortunately sees snotty little violents out there. . .parked next to her car. . ." Johnny Fontaine smiled. "Ah, interesting, maybe we aren't going to have a message from our sponsors. Ah, are you giving us a stream of consciousness reading of your new book, Ron?" The pope was quickly putting on his blue Denim holy coat and getting ready to go. "Where was that address again, Lord?" ---------------------------------------- Response 11 of 26 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 5/27/80 9:16 pm graper / udperuse / unidel The novelist began speaking on the television, "Ten miles out, past the first intersection and on the left in town." "What?" Johnny Fontaine asked. He was not liking this situation. "Gotcha," the pope said, pulling his mirror glasses out of his breast pocket and popping them on. Suddenly, at the studio, everything started working again. All four film chains began showing commercials simultaneously, creating an interesting collage of a cigar commercial, an aftershave commercial and two auto commercials. The video switcher devices unfroze and the cameras in the studio's little red LIVE lights went dead. Johnny Fontaine, the audience and Ron Hammond were silent. Weird. ---------------------------------------- Response 12 of 26 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 5/27/80 9:18 pm graper / udperuse / unidel BURRRRRM, ba-ba, BURRRRM the Pope's Camaro shouted from its twin side mounted headers, the Pope shifting gears with an incredibly sure hand. Ten miles in his car was practically next door. Outside the Burger Joint, there were a bunch of hokey little all-weather plastic tables and chairs. The two annoying humans, Ronnie and Jimmie, had parked themselves on a few of these chairs right outside the door of the Burger Joint. They sat so that their legs were on chairs opposite them, i.e. that their legs would block the way of the poor high-school female when she tried to leave. You've probably seen annoying people do this on trains and busses. Ronnie and Jimmie do this all the time. The poor high school female looked out the door and saw them. She became very frightened. She had to leave quickly, however, to avoid setting off the burglar alarm that automatically turned itself on, so she opened the door, turned, locked it and began walking towards her ---------------------------------------- Response 13 of 26 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 5/27/80 9:19 pm graper / udperuse / unidel car with all the nonchalance she could muster. They sat with their legs blocking her way between two chairs. She asked them to move them. They said no. The logical extrapolation of this situation would end up with this female severely beaten up and raped. "Will you please move your legs?" she asked again. "Eat it, bitch," Ronnie said. He was full of adrenalin and becoming sexually very excited. Jimmy was too. They both kept their legs across the chairs in her way. "Move your legs," a deep voice said. Ronnie and Jimmie looked for its source and saw a form standing on the opposite side, visible only as a silhouette against a light on the street. It was the Pope. Ronnie stood up and got out of the way, somewhat wary of this figure, but Jimmy kept his legs across the two seats. "Make me," Jimmy said. ---------------------------------------- Response 14 of 26 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 5/27/80 9:20 pm graper / udperuse / unidel The Pope looked to the sky for guidance. In his infinite wisdom, god had had a little league baseball team celebrate their victory that evening with a victory dinner at the Burger Joint. He had made them so excited about eating burgers and winning the game that he made one forget his baseball bat. This bat was on the table next to the Pope where the kid had left it. Jimmy looked at Ronnie with a smile, looking away from the Pope. He thought he could make the Pope back down. But when he looked at Ronnie, he didn't see the usual leering agreement in Ronnie's eyes but a look of stark terror. This is terrible. "What's the matter, Ron?" Jimmie asked. One-half second later, the Pope brought the baseball bat squarely down upon Jimmy's outstretched legs at full force squarely upon the kneecaps, breaking them sufficiently to bend his legs in a totally new direction. ---------------------------------------- Response 15 of 26 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 5/27/80 9:22 pm graper / udperuse / unidel Jimmy screamed quite loudly. Ronnie stared. The Pope snapped his fingers authoritatively at the high school female, also rather dazed, and pointed at her car. She got the message and ran to her car. She was a good person and would call an ambulance and the police. Ronnie at this point pulled a highway flare out of his back pocket that he always carried in order to be obnoxious wherever he went and scratched the front until it began burning. He was very disappointed about the female and Jimmy and wanted to hurt the Pope with it. Jeez, this is getting violent. Ronnie's teeth went on edge and his eyes squinted with primal aggression as he advanced on the Pope, who refused to back up. "You haven't been to church in a long, long time Ronnie," the Pope said. "Fuck you, man," he said through his clenched teeth. ---------------------------------------- Response 16 of 26 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 5/27/80 9:25 pm graper / udperuse / unidel "Your mother still worries about you. But do you care? No. She always had such hope for you, you know? Remember how she used to want you to become a doctor?" "Shut up!" Ronnie shouted. "You know, you might have had a bad background but that's no reason to be such a terrible person. Look at all the saints in history. Their lives weren't bowls of cherries either." "I told you to shut UP!" he shouted, walking closer. The Pope pointed at him. "When was the last time you___ read your bible, son?" Ronnie walked up very close to the Pope and was about to thrust the super hot phosphorus-flame highway flare into the Pope's viscera when an anomaly in the flare's construction, done years ago by a flare worker in Ohio who wasn't watching what he was doing and put too much phosphorus nitrate in this particular flare, causing the flare to "flare up." In Ronnie's hand. Youch! ---------------------------------------- Response 17 of 26 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 5/27/80 9:31 pm graper / udperuse / unidel The thing was impossible to let go of because it attached itself to the water in one's body very____ well. Real hell-fire if I've ever heard of it. Far away, sirens could be heard. "Time for me to head 'em out," the Pope said casually. He walked over to his Camaro and got in, taking only a few moments to get it flying out of town again. Stopping only to pick up a 2-liter bottle of coke and some Bar-B-Que potato chips, he quickly made his way back to the Sleepy Bear lodge he was staying at during his one man tour of the Americas. Johnny Fontaine was still on. The novelist had been removed from the studio and sent away as insane. Don't worry. God would make sure his book would become a best seller. God's ways are strange but he makes things come out for the best, I've been told. The Pope opened up the new bag of Bar-B-Que Potato Chips and poured himself an icy glass of cola. The bed that ---------------------------------------- Response 18 of 26 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 5/27/80 9:48 pm graper / udperuse / unidel came with his room had a slot in the head of it so that if you put in a quarter, it would warm up and gently jiggle under you for ten minutes. Being warm and jiggled around was a very pleasant sensation for humans. Magically, the Pope's bed began to jiggle. Even without the quarter. God's little way of saying thanks. "Thanks," the Pope said. And in a while, he quietly fell asleep. would be a new day. ---------------------------------------- Response 19 of 26 5/28/80 9:27 am houghton / udperuse / unidel interesting...somehow it doesn't quite seem up to compare to previous recent works...a little rougher...neat plot... ---------------------------------------- Response 20 of 26 5/29/80 10:44 pm gellens / udcc / unidel Nice flow. ---------------------------------------- Response 21 of 26 7/19/80 10:00 pm gonzalez / seminars / unidel "Questionable taste" is an understatement... ---------------------------------------- Response 22 of 26 7/19/80 11:52 pm k warren / udauth / unidel You thought it wasn't funny? ---------------------------------------- Response 23 of 26 7/21/80 7:39 am hart / udperuse / unidel grapenotes/unidel 7/19/80 10:00 pm gonzalez/seminars/unidel "Questionable taste" is an understatement... __________ Is that a whine????? Shawn. ---------------------------------------- Response 24 of 26 7/21/80 1:11 pm mcgrath / udnondev / unidel I do believe she is whining ... AND YOU KNOW WHAT WE DO TO WHINERS !!! Andar! ---------------------------------------- Response 25 of 26 7/21/80 11:14 pm c moore / udnondev / unidel Put them in =whine=? ---------------------------------------- Response 26 of 26 7/22/80 1:12 pm mcgrath / udnondev / unidel We hangs 'um ... Capt. Andar!