------------------------------------- Note 4 philosophy *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 4/11/80 8:41 pm tripp / udperuse / unidel whine/unidel 4/11/80 10:11 am graper/udperuse/unidel Dear Friends: Fucking goddamn shit I'm confused. Sitting there at that goddamn philosophy exam. "Explain the difference between JCC Smart's view of the body/mind problem juxtaposed against the religiousity of Reverend Holmes and create good criticisms each would have of the other," the exam belched at me in ditto machine purple. What the hell did that mean? "You have twenty minutes," the philosophy proffo said. I hadn't even figured out question one yet! Philosophy. What a joke, man!! I mean, you argue these old, stupid lines of thought that should have been laid to rest centuries ago that these four foot high Greeks pondered while sitting on stone ruins picturesquely under olive trees when your and my ancestors were running around naked having a blast with their wonderful ignorance of such meaningful issues as "Is the world real or an illusion?", "What is life?" or "How tall am I when I'm asleep?" ---------------------------------------- Response 1 of 11 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 4/11/80 8:42 pm tripp / udperuse / unidel "Fifteen minutes," the proffo warns, tapping his belly. How self assured. I mean, like, he's only been reading the same book for the last ten years for this class. Write down a quick answer to question 1. Ten sentences. "JJC Smart and Holmes had many differences. JJC Smart believed men had no souls. Holmes believed they did. . ." Can't this fool professor realize that getting these two to argue is the most pointless, meaningless exercise of my writing hand that can possible be thought up besides copying a random number table? Jesus, these two boring old philosophers are so set in their ways, how the hell am I supposed to juxtapose some sort of argument between them? I continue writing. "Holmes, unlike Smart, believed however that men did have souls. Smart did not. In this way he disagreed strongly with Holmes, i.e. that men do not have souls. . ." Christ, what a waste. ". . .Holmes therefore basically disagreed with Smart on one integral point: whether men have souls." ---------------------------------------- Response 2 of 11 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 4/11/80 8:42 pm tripp / udperuse / unidel "Ten minutes left. . ." the proffo states again. Somebody wheels out in their Camaro twenty yards from the door to the classroom. A dog starts barking. Some people out in the hallway start talking about some place where they spent their vacation. My hand starts to sweat. "The believers of the Solipsist philosophy believe that the universe only exists of oneself. Arrange an argument between them and a believer in existential phenomonological monism (Absolutist School)." Jeez. What absolute trash. This is the penultimate in stupid college classes. Oh well, let's see. What would they argue about? I begin to write. "The Solipsist believes in things much different than the monist and an argument between them would go as follows. . ." Now comes the hard part. What follows? "The solipsist would claim that there are no things besides the self since only self-existence would be guaranteed. The Monist, on the other hand, would disagree." ---------------------------------------- Response 3 of 11 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 4/11/80 8:42 pm tripp / udperuse / unidel "Eight minutes," the proffo says. He's eager to get back to his posh office and write some more grant proposals for the department. "The Monist and the Solipsist are fundamentally different and they most assuredly would argue. . ." I continue writing. "Seven minutes and fifty seconds," the proffo states. He's eyeing the door. Fuck. I don't know what he wants. I read the goddamn book three (3) times through. Screw it. I guess this is where the fact ends and the fiction takes over. ". . .The Monist and Solipsist would argue basically over the point that god exists. The Solipsists would argue, however, that god is very small and is continually behind your back so that you can't see him even if you turn around real fast. And if you try and look backwards into a mirror, he'll sneak up and hide in front of you. And only you can see god, so don't try any fancy tricks with remote control cameras or anything. . . "The Monist would immediately argue that the ---------------------------------------- Response 4 of 11 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 4/11/80 8:42 pm tripp / udperuse / unidel Solipsist's view of God was inconsistent with the basic laws of material realism and would probably call him a real fruit and say something awful about his mother. To that, the Solipsist would debate the point about his mother by enjoining a 'non esse vici percepti quaestio' (she is not, you dumbfuck!) argument. Seeing how the both of them put away a few that evening already, the Monist would claim that the Solipsist's argument was in fact contradictory to its basic premise: i.e., that the Solipsist could back up what he said. The Solipsist would at this point give a simple illustration of his concept by banging the Monist heavily on the head with his beer mug, stating that if indeed nothing is real that is not sensed then the only way to insure recognition of reality is through a heavy dose of sensation. At this point the Monist would attempt to persuade the solipsist in a like fashion but the burly owner of the institution, a hardened physicalist of the U.S. Marine school, would dismiss the pointlessness of the exchange by removing the problem from his sphere of control." ---------------------------------------- Response 5 of 11 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 4/11/80 8:43 pm tripp / udperuse / unidel "Five minutes," the professor states. "You can start handing in your tests now." Question 4. This is getting interesting. "Criticise the idea of materialistic divisionism and state how the founder of the idea determined its structure." Equally unintelligble. "The Creator of materialistic divisionism was none other than Walt Disney. He . . . ." Hmm. Now how did Walt Disney come up with the idea of whatever? Well, when in trouble or in doubt, always remember that when things don't seem to work there are always . . .aliens!! ". . . . Disney was working idly on one of his movies when he heard a bleeping noise in the sky. Looking up into the sky he saw what he called 'large bluish blobs of light.' " "Two minutes," the proffo says. Everybody's handing in the papers. ". . .it was a spaceship and inside it was. . . ---------------------------------------- Response 6 of 11 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 4/11/80 8:43 pm tripp / udperuse / unidel . . .was Bigfoot! He was married to Jackie Onnassis and had Elvis inside frozen solid since they were going to travel to Bigfoot's planet where the cure for Elvis' disease was real simple and . . ." "Hand in your papers now," the proffo said. Bah, how boring to give tests, he thought. Much more fun to write unintelligble remarks in red ink on the sides while watching television and idly guess what the grade was. Well, that's enough work for him. No need to go overboard with this thing. Hand the paper in. Walk away. Feeling hot and bothered, as they say. My face must be discolored. Your Friend, Dr. Graper ---------------------------------------- Response 7 of 11 4/11/80 10:43 pm gellens / udcc / unidel whine / unidel 4/11/80 5:29 pm gellens / udcc / unidel "Dr. Graper has succeded where others have failed in capturing the essence of the Education process of today. His seering perspicacity and superlatiive wit have once again provided a true masterpiece, which has the lone fault of not being infinitly long. The notes-reading populace of the UofD community is truly fortunate to have the esteemed Doctor in residence." --Illiad Fastness (Newark) Snooze-Urinal ---------------------------------------- Response 8 of 11 4/11/80 10:44 pm gellens / udcc / unidel whine/unidel 4/11/80 7:10 pm stabosz/udperuse/unidel "Professor Idle, well-known teacher of philosophy and raconteur about town, was found last evening in the foyer of his plush Victoria Mews apartment dead of gunshot wounds. Professor Idle had been shot seventeen times-- twice in the head, twice in the stomach, twice in each arm and leg, once in the nose, once in the toes, and thrice in various other parts of the body. Identification was made possible only by close examination of the victim's root canal work by incompetent oral hygienists from the Dr. Saltz laboratories. An unidentified source has disclosed that a former student of Professor Idle is being sought, one thought to be associated now with the medical profession. The motivation, as well as many of the details of this bizarre killing, remains unknown." Newark Times. August 29,1980 ---------------------------------------- Response 9 of 11 4/14/80 9:42 am tuthill / udperuse / unidel philosophy is worthless ---------------------------------------- Response 10 of 11 4/14/80 2:55 pm dunham / newauth / unidel ..words of wisdom, those....... Fran ---------------------------------------- Response 11 of 11 7/21/80 11:13 am r jones / mathlab2 / unidel For those who think that Philisophy is worthless in this age of technology and computers, I suggest reading the an article by a fellow named James Stockdale called "The World of Epictetus". This article can be found in the August, 1978 issue of the Atlantic Monthly, which in turn can be found on the third floor of Morris Library with all the other old periodicals.