---------------------------------- Note  27   the typewriter 
               *** A Story by Dr. Graper ***
 
         4/7/81   4:46 pm     brian dear / udps
     "Ding a ling" goes the little bell on the shop door.
     An old man came out from behind a room behind the 
counter and peered over his shoulders at the young man 
coming in. 
     "Can I help you sonny?"
     "I need my typewriter repaired."
     "What seems to be the problem with it?"
     The young man plopped the typewriter case on the 
counter and opened it up.  "I think it's full of eraser
shavings.  It makes funny sounds when I hit the return key."
     "Hmm," the old man said, casually looking the machine
over.  "What're these?"
     The young man stammered nervously, "What are what?"
     The old man held up the typewriter to the light.
"you been trying to fix it yourself, haven't you?"
     "No, no.  Absolutely not."
     The old man began sticking his finger through the 
multitide of holes in the typewriter chassis.  "This ain't
no typewriter. . .it's swiss cheese!"
 
---------------------------------------- Response 1 of 5
               *** A Story by Dr. Graper ***
 
         4/7/81   4:52 pm     brian dear / udps
     "Uh. . .that's from another repair man.  He did a
lousy job."
     The old man squinted at his squirming, embarassed 
customer.  "I thinks you been trying to fix it yourself.
You done shot the hell out of it."
     "I had to.  It was typing without my permission.
Horrible leters late at night.  It would go writing these
terrible stories about me and that old black woman 
downstairs having oral sex. . ."
     "So you shot it?"
     "Look gramps, it was in some sort of conspriacy with 
the stereo.  They were always whispering to each other when
I was asleep.  Sometimes I'd wake up early and hear them.
I used to think it was all in my mind but no. . ."
     "Look, if'n you didn't want it writing stories about
you, then you shoulda unplugged it at night like everybody
else does. . ."
     "I did, but that's where the stereo came in.  It and
the television were having this thing going, you know,
harmless and all but when they started getting together
 
---------------------------------------- Response 2 of 5
               *** A Story by Dr. Graper ***
 
         4/7/81   5:00 pm     brian dear / udps
with the typewriter and like I unplug my typewriter every
night, it's sort of a ritual with brushing my teeth and all,
but then the stereo and the two of them would go plugging
it back in an hour or so after I fell asleep and the two of
them would sit there, writing these stories about me and
that woman in the apartment downstairs."
     The grandfatherly old man pulled an old handkerchief
from his back pocket and began cleaning his glasses. "No
harm done though. Take it from me, just throw it all out in
the morning.  You go and read that stuff and it just 
encourages 'em when you go and get mad.  I knows machines.
You don't need to shoot 'em, just ignore 'em and they'll
get tired of it after a while. . ."
     "Man, thus stuff was really obscene_______ though!"
     The old man put his glasses back on.  "Well, they only
do what they've learnt.  You sure you ain't been prodding
them on in some way?"
     "No!  It gets all those ideas from the television, the
little pornographer!  He's the worst, let me tell you.
 
---------------------------------------- Response 3 of 5
               *** A Story by Dr. Graper ***
 
         4/7/81   5:07 pm     brian dear / udps
All he does is show sexually explicit material all the 
time."
     "Hmm.  Sounds like maybe you need the TV repaired,
not the typewriter.  I knows how a TV can be a bad 
influence on a typewriter."
     "The little creep sits there on the floor and no matter
what channel I turn on he starts going at it, getting really
adolescent and gross.  I mean, there's nothing that it won't
try and fuck up.  I mean, I turn on to watch Gilligan's
Island and five minutes into the show he's got somebody
fucking somebody, you know, he's got something with the 
Skipper and Mrs. Howell going on almost all the time. . .
like once, they're supposed to be rescued and they're
having this party and like the TV isn't satisfied with
just the party so it starts this group sex thing, everybody
on the island stripped down and going at it. . . .really
pathetic.  Then it cuts to the audio channel and puts on 
this 1950's sort of bump-and-grind music. . ."
     The old man pulled a pipe from his back pocket and
 
---------------------------------------- Response 4 of 5
               *** A Story by Dr. Graper ***
 
         4/7/81   5:20 pm     brian dear / udps
began cleaning it.  "I knows what you mean.  My TV, one
of the first color ones, it used to go into the dirty porny
thing.  Used to watch Walter Cronkite, you know?  and like
it would zoom out and show the whole news program with
Walter playing with himself or gettin sucked off by the
stage manager or. . ."
 
     "What'd you do?"
 
     The old man lit his pipe and laughingly said, "Kicked 
that little bastard's face in.  Almost killed m'self, tube
exploded. . ."
 
     "I know how you feel. I came home from school and found
this five page letter, in triplicate, lying on the 
table. Typewriter was there, trying to look innocent
but then I find out that it had written this big letter 
about me and that woman in the downstairs apartment and
 
---------------------------------------- Response 5 of 5
               *** A Story by Dr. Graper ***
 
         4/9/81   2:47 am     brian dear / udperuse
and sent copies to Penthouse_________ and Pillow______ Talk____ 
Quarterly_________.  The little bastard didn't even ask for my name
to be withheld."
     "So you shot it?"
     "Yeah.  Then droped it out of my apartment window."
     The old man looked at the typewriter.  "Well. . .I
guess I kin repairs it. . ."