----------------------------------- Note 26 The Film *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/7/81 5:20 pm graper / users The filming was not going well. "Alright, where's the Alien? Come on, come on, these cameras cost money just sitting still!" "Which Alien do you want?" the property master asked from behind the huge cardboard cutout shaped like a Greek temple. Dr. Graper sighed. "It doesn't matter. Any___ alien." The property master began shouting to somebody behind the sets and Dr. Graper began flipping frantically through the script, trying to figure out what scene he was to be shooting next. Money was running out fast and already the people from the bank had come to take away one of the cameras and half of the audio equipment. Given two more days of production, Dr. Graper would end up mixing the audio down using two battery-powered Radio Shack cassette tape recorders. For this reason, he had to work fast. A Klingon walked out of the Greek-temple set. "Yeah?" he asked dully, obviously slightly stoned. ---------------------------------------- Response 1 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/7/81 5:21 pm graper / users "OK, look, in this next scene you're the captain of the Klingon Ship that's been following the Enterprise across the galaxy, trying to capture the ambassador from Fugia, the planet of beautiful women who fuck constantly. ." "Yeah, yeah," the Klingon stated, leaning against a huge paper-mache replica of the Lincoln Monument. "Alright, now, you know that Captain Kirk's been screwing the ambassador regularly and this gets you really______ mad. ." "Who's Captain Kirk?" Dr. Graper looked at the fellow in disbelief. "The captain of the earth-ship Enterprise! You know! Ben, over there! He__ plays Captain Kirk!" "Oh," the fellow said. "Alright, so Captain Kirk has beamed down to a planet where civilization has developed parallel to earth so that the planet is going through its Nazi period." "Right." "But due to a historical anomaly," Dr. Graper said, pausing to rip through sheet after sheet of revised ---------------------------------------- Response 2 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/7/81 5:22 pm graper / users and rerevised script, "the Romans never fell and the Nazis still keep slaves and everyone acts and looks like a Chicago gangster. . ." The Klingon looked confused. "Alright, I guess. Where do I come in?" "Well, you beam down to the surface to try and find Captain Kirk, Spock and the beautiful ambassador. They're chasing Dr. McCoy, the ship's doctor, who went crazy and is fucking up the time warp." The Klingon hooked his thumbs in his leather uniform. "So when comes the fuck scene?" "Well, you beam down where Captain Kirk and the beautiful ambassador are being held in a Wild West jail and you, a Roman soldier, a Nazi and Al Capone do a four-way with the ambassador." The Klingon nodded. "What're my lines?" ---------------------------------------- Response 3 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/7/81 5:27 pm graper / users Again, Dr. Graper ripped through scads of multi- colored paper, each color representing yet another revision to the script. "Uhmm, alright, you beam in on the right and the ambassador's there on the table spread eagle and you say 'So, Kirk, we meet again. And what exactly are you doing to the ambassador?' and Captain Kirk says, 'Nothing, I haven't been able to phaser. ." Dr. Graper looked ill. "What a stupid pun." "What pun?" "Phaser. It's the name of the weapons they use. See? Phaser sounds like 'faze her'. Some asshole rewrote it that way." "And then what?" "What?" "He says the phaser bullshit and then what?" "Oh, then you say, 'Well, I_ know how to make her talk!' and you get up on top of her." Dr. Graper paused a moment. What did "making her talk" have to do with this? ---------------------------------------- Response 4 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/7/81 5:29 pm graper / users "And start fucking. . ." the Klingon said. "No, just get on top, then stop because I have to move the camera around to change the angle. After we get about five minutes of the four of you, we can pick up the closeups." The Klingon nodded. Captain Kirk, a roman soldier, Al Capone and some other members of the cast walked out from behind the Greek temple. "All ready?" Dr. Graper asked. "Then, get to your positions!" He sat down in his chair and began shouting out the orders, determined to do it all in as little time as possible. "I would do the whole film in as little time as possible," Dr. Graper said. The fat man behind the desk nodded. He was on the inside______. He had other people work for him___. He "called the shots." "Making a movie is a very time and money consuming ---------------------------------------- Response 5 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/7/81 5:31 pm graper / users process, as you know." "I do__ know, sir," Dr. Graper said, affecting a meekish demeanor that, while humiliating, was necessary for artists to assume. The fat man looked at the script and idly tossed it back at Dr. Graper, seated opposite to him. "Basically, the script is. . . .fair." Dr. Graper kept looking down, meek and mild. In his mind, he was repeatedly striking the fat bastard over the head with a paperweight and then rolling up the script and stuffing it down the bastard's throat. "But maybe. . ." The fat bastard loved to do this. He had money and Dr. Graper did not and he enjoyed dangling funds above poor people of any sort. Dr. Graper played along, looking up with wide, hopeful eyes. "Maybe we can___ finance it." A smile crossed Dr. Graper's face. "Provided we can make certain. . .alterations." ---------------------------------------- Response 6 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/7/81 5:34 pm graper / users Dr. Graper's heart sank. Here it comes. "The script you have here. . .well, it isn't a real crowd pleaser. These days. . ." the fat man said, looking upwards and making idle motions with his hand, "people don't want to think." Dr. Graper held an opposing position, that people were not given the opportunity___________ to think by bastards like this one, but he nodded his head as if agreeing. "When people go to see a film, the just want a good time. A simple story. They don't want to think. Your script here. . .too brainy______. It's got the potential. . .I mean, it's got the basics, which is good," he said, flipping through the script's neatly typed pages, "I mean, boy meets girl, falls in love, loses girl, regains girl. . ." What a person will do when he needs money! Dr. Graper just sat there, nodding his head and making faces as if he was beginning to understand a profound revelation from this greasy asswipe banker, waiting for the bottom line on ---------------------------------------- Response 7 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/7/81 5:36 pm graper / users how much he'd have to change his script. "So look. These days, everybody loves space stories. You know, the Star Wars thing and all. Set it in space." "Uh huh." "Let me have one of my workers rewrite it with that perspective, you know, stick in a few more yucks here and there, a few more racy scenes. . .a couple good fuck scenes packs 'em in." "Uh huh." And on and on the changes went, Dr. Graper horribly comprimising on issue after issue and two hours and one hideously changed script later, he emerged with a mere forty thousand dollars, only enough for about two weeks of work. "Dr. Graper? Are you there?" "Who is it?" "It's Ben. I've got the film back from the lab." "Oh, alright." ---------------------------------------- Response 8 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/7/81 5:37 pm graper / users It was late at night and Dr. Graper had locked the door to the basement where he was working. He unlocked it and helped Ben carry the reels of film down into the editing room. "Whatcha doing up so late at night, Doc?" "Shooting finished today and tomorrow morning the equipment company is showing up to take back the cameras and the lighting equipment. I've got to shoot the special effects tonight." "Really? That must be that smell, then." "The smell. Oh yeah, the glue. It does stink a little." Dr. Graper had spent some of the remaining $743 dollars of the budget for special effects, going down to a hobby store and buying scores of plastic models. "What's that?" Ben asked, pointing at a model hanging by a string in front of a black cloth background. It was an amalgam of a Star Wars "Land Speeder," a World War II Japanese dive bomber and a Chevrolet Impala Funny-Car. ---------------------------------------- Response 9 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/7/81 5:38 pm graper / users "It's the star ship of the ambassador from Ahn-jello two." "I thought she was from the planet Fugia." Dr. Graper frowned. "Shit, maybe you're right. Oh well, it doesn't make that much of a difference." Ben looked at the other models hanging by strings. One was a standard model of the Star Trek Enterprise with the exception of a chrome bumper and machine guns on its front. "You make these models yourself?" Ben asked. "Yeah," Dr. Graper said from the editing room. He walked out with a garbage can full of out-takes. "You know, it seems those hot-rod car models are the best bargain. They gave me three sheets of decals with that model, you know, said I could build the car 'three different ways.' I had a lot of them left over so I spread them around." "I see," Ben said, looking at the model of the U.S.S. Enterprise which had 'ROAD HOG,' 'I LOVE MY HOOKER HEADERS,' and a tiny STP sticker on its sides. ---------------------------------------- Response 10 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/7/81 5:41 pm graper / users "So," Ben asked, "after tonight you've only got the editing to do." "Only____ the editing? Listen, Ben, all of the closeups for the fuck scenes, except maybe five, got overexposed. Somehow the light screwed up and things go light to dark all over the place and the colors went completely haywire." "Wow. So you had to throw them out?" "I can't_____. I've got eight fuck scenes in this film and with only five good close-ups to cut away to and___ considering that I was already counting on reusing the closeups at least three times apiece, I simply can't avoid not using them." "So what're you going to do? Reuse the good fuck scenes even more?" "Well, I'll reuse them one time more than I had planned. I don't think anyone will catch on to my using the same scene five times if I reverse the image or put it upside down a couple of times. But then I thought I could use the screwed up scenes to symbolize like sex in a time warp. . .take a look," Dr. Graper said, pointing ---------------------------------------- Response 11 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/7/81 5:43 pm graper / users to yet another revision in the script. Ben read it and paused. "I don't know, Dr. Graper. It seems a little far-fetched." Dr. Graper had stopped caring long ago how far this film fetched. "It'll have to do. Oh no." "What?" "It's 4 o'clock in the morning already!! I've got to have the special effects shot before nine! Can you stick around and help me?" "Sorry, but I gotta get some sleep." Dr. Graper nodded. This was going to be a long evening indeed. "I guess I'll see you later, Doc.," Ben said, heading up the stairs and out of the basement. Dr. Graper returned to his work. "Let's see. The Enterprise blows up the Klingon ship by phaser fire. Alright. . ." Hurriedly, Dr. Graper taped a cherry bomb to the side of the Klingon ship, lit it, and started the camera (standing stationary to the model's other side). ---------------------------------------- Response 12 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/7/81 5:44 pm graper / users "Alright, now, the Enterprise fires its phasers!" Dr. Graper held a piece of red cellophane in front of a flashlight and shined the flashlight onto the Klingon model. BLAMM went the cherry bomb, blowing the nose off the Klingon ship and sending it spinning wildly on its string. "Great!" Dr. Graper said, turning off the camera and moving it to another position, setting up for another shot. Brrrrrr went the film projector in the fat bastard's office, shining Dr. Graper's alleged film on the portable screen. Dr. Graper had seen it hundreds of times before all by himself and now was seeing it all by himself again. The fat moneyman was still at lunch but had told his secretary to have Dr. Graper start it rolling anyways. He'd come in as soon as he could to take a look at it. Ten minutes into the feature, the fat man came in. ---------------------------------------- Response 13 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/7/81 5:47 pm graper / users He had had a pleasant business lunch with some other fat bastards, getting warm and numb with expensive drinks and trading stories with them on tormenting people who needed money. "Never mind me, don't mind me," the fat one said, heaving his massive frame into a chair. The phone rang. The fat man picked it up. "Yes? Yes? Sure, put him on." Dr. Graper looked at him. He didn't seem to be paying much attention at all. "Hello, Bill? Hey, how are you? Fine, fine. What? Sure! No kidding. . ." And on and on the film played. When the film finally ended amidst a shattering display of special effects and a final group orgy on the bridge of the Enterprise (written in by the fat man himself), Dr. Graper got up and turned on the lights. The fat man was still on the phone. "Yeah. Unh-huh. Right, right. Well, you know what I_ would say to the fellow. . .no, I wouldn't let him ---------------------------------------- Response 14 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/7/81 5:48 pm graper / users say that. Look, you're______ paying him___, so if he doesn't feel like comprimising his fucking play then screw him, get somebody else to do it. . ." "Mr. Morgan?" (Incidentally, the fat bastard's name was Wilbur Morgan) Mr. Morgan noticed that the film was over. "Hey, Bill, let me get back to you. I've got to finish up some business." Mr. Morgan hung up the phone and looked at Dr. Graper. "Alright, the film looks ok. Should be a real pleaser." "I'm glad you like it." "I sure did. So, I guess we should finish this deal right away. Here. . ." Morgan handed Dr. Graper a check. "My secretary figured it out for you, Mr. Welles." "Just one problem." "What's that?" ---------------------------------------- Response 15 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/7/81 5:50 pm graper / users "My name isn't Welles." "It isn't? But the film. . .the credits say 'Directed by Orson Welles'." "It's my pen-name, of sorts. I sort of. . .shun overt, crass recognition of my work." Mr. Morgan grunted and looked at the check. "Oh well, you artist types. . . ." He spoke into the intercom to his secretary, "Mrs. Compte?" "Yes?" "Please reissue another check for the film, this time make it out to. . ." "Dr. Graper," Dr. Graper said loudly, "G-R-A-P-E-R. Not Draper. Graper. Like grapes, the fruit you eat." "Make it out to 'Dr. Graper'." Morgan said. "Very well, sir," his secretary replied. Mr. Morgan turned from the intercom. "Alright. You can pick up your money on the way out." "Very well. One last question. About the title." "Yes?" ---------------------------------------- Response 16 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/7/81 5:52 pm graper / users "It was 'Invasion of the Atomic Dentures,' but I'm sure you must have revised it. . ." "Well, in fact we did. But you wouldn't understand it." "I wouldn't?" "Well, it's called all sorts of different things." "It is?" "Yes. We thought we might first release this film overseas. . .they like the more arty films over there. Take it from me, it's the best way." "I see." ---------------------------------------- Response 17 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/7/81 5:53 pm graper / users Feliencio Benderi, a portugese farm-laborer, stood in line with 400 others, tightly holding the ticket to the movie that had cost him over a week of twelve hour work days to purchase. He had heard that this movie "Star Wars" was a big hit in the United States and had been dying to see it, to see what life was like in the magical United States. When the gates opened, Feliencio pushed and shoved his way into the theater, stepping over people in order to get a good seat. Although the movie was not to start for some five hours, he would wait rather than miss a single moment of the film. He had had to travel 75 miles to the town to see the film, having to bribe the plantation owner into letting him have the day off by allowing the owner to sleep with his wife, but still it would prove to be worth it. The five hours passed slowly, Feliencio having to defend his seat tooth and nail, but finally they passed and the film began. "El Star Wars," Feliencio read aloud as the titles ---------------------------------------- Response 18 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/7/81 6:01 pm graper / users slowly passed. "El Directoro, Orson Welles, El Starro Femme, Candy Kake, El Starro Mala, Johnny Stud. . ." Suddenly, to the noisy and distorted sounds of Beethoven's Ninth symphony, a picture of the U.S.S. Enterprise came onto the screen. "OOHH!" the crowd reacted. Feliencio smiled. He would watch and memorize it all and be able to tell everyone on the plantation this splendid story. ---------------------------------------- Response 19 of 19 2/16/81 9:08 am b williams / udperuse Hey doc, are you a doc yet?