--------------------------------- Note 17 happy times 10/13/80 8:50 pm brian dear / udnondev This next story dates from, yes, that's what I said, 1973_. ---------------------------------------- Response 1 of 6 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 10/13/80 8:59 pm brian dear / udnondev Happy Times in My House "I certainly don't know." I picked up the early colonial style poker from the fireplace setting and hurled it through the screen of the television. It popped and belched out a pile of acrid purple metallic smoke, like an explosion you'd see on "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea." I'd always hated hearing those words, "I certainly don't know." When I did hear them, they would always throw me into a frigtening rage. Not that I didn't like people knowing things. That was fine. But something about the combination of the words drove me silly. I pulled the poker out of the television, set it back beside the fireplace, and walked back up the stairs to the kitchen. And there I saw it. Like a newly raised infant, my dishwasher was beginning to understand the joys of mobility. There it was on my kitchen floor rolling around on its caster rollers all by itself, falling down and crying but always getting up ---------------------------------------- Response 2 of 6 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 10/13/80 9:07 pm brian dear / udnondev and rolling again. Soon it would learn how to get up and down the stairs and then be able to walk in the world all by itself. Then it'd go to school, someday college. But the thought of another of my kitchen appliances going off to college angered me, since I'd only gotten two years of college and every time my smart-ass microwave oven came home he would laud over me that he had spent four years in a big name university. So I decided to disconnect the dishwasher before any of this started. However as I reached for the plug, the dishwasher turned and saw what I was attempting to do. He angrily confronted me, rolling back and clomping his lid up and down in fierce warning. His little "Dry" and "Sani-Wash" pilot lights were blinking furiously, and I saw that this would be much more of a battle than I had anticipated. Immediately I ran downstairs and into the basement to find the tool I would need. Just as I was getting the electric sander off the wall, I turned to see the dishwasher coming down the ---------------------------------------- Response 3 of 6 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 10/13/80 9:17 pm brian dear / udnondev stairs after me. I stood frozen as he looked one way and then the other, finally noticing me and charging. I thought it was the end. But then the lights suddenly went out, and the dishwasher's power was sapped. I looked over at the fuse- box, and saw below it the charred figure of my dehumidifier. In a final loyal gesture, it had thrown water on the fusebox connections and short-circuited the basement. Now I can't tell you how mad I was at the dishwasher this time! I walked over to it and contemptuously pulled out its extension cord and looked it straight in the pilot lights. So I pushed it to the base of the stairs and called for the piano. I told it to fall down on the dishwasher, and just the sight of that dishwasher's pilot lights when the piano hit him was avengingly fantastic. That piano was damn loyal. Hope it impressed upon all my Black and Decker tools that I keep justice in my house. But then the doorbell rang, and I told the furnace to get rid of the remains but to save the dehumidifier for ---------------------------------------- Response 4 of 6 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 10/13/80 9:31 pm brian dear / udnondev a proper funeral. "Trick or treat," the little kids shouted, and I had forgotten that I had to get something to give them. So I handed them the plastic flowers the dining room table. "Do you like plastic flowers?" I asked the littler one. "I certainly don't know." To this I screamed in agony, covering my ears with my hands for a moment and then just as quickly grabbing the child and pulling him into the house. Somewhere in the back of my frenzied mind I remembered that I hadn't fed the stereo in some time, so I threw the child at into th record rack and kew the stereo would handle the rest. Listening to the stereo making funny sounds I sat and rested on the stairs up to the bedrooms. And had it not been for my quiet breathing, I'd have never heard the tele- vision coming. Jeez, everything was happening tonight. ---------------------------------------- Response 5 of 6 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 10/13/80 10:15 pm brian dear / udnondev The damn thing had gotten around the corner, waiting to bushwack me when I left the room but had gotten im- patient. So now he was going to attack me, on his little 2 inch legs! His speed wasn't important, though, since his picture tube mouth could easily devour 2/3 of my body in an instant. But I amusedly watched it come, knowing full well that in a few seconds the folding chairs would be coming to my aid. As they did. With the card table, too. They tore that electronic bastard to pieces. As if he didn't deserve it, though. You know, I've been having a lot of trouble lately with uppity electronic hardware. I've even had to keep folding chairs stationed around my bed at night. They caught the AM/FM Digital Clock Radio trying to get me last night. Only things I can trust are manual. I went up to the living room and saw the stereo smiling contentedly. It was happy, and was pleased with ---------------------------------------- Response 6 of 6 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 10/13/80 10:35 pm brian dear / udnondev me so it began playing my favourite, "How much is that Doggie in the Window?" I was really getting into the tune when the China closet began to empty out and the Chinese pieces began walking around on the floor in single file. I began picking up a few of them and throwing them against the wall, watching them fall apart into China dust. Yes, life is beautiful when you've got friends. The End