---------------------------------------- Note 8 graper/udps *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 6/8/79 12:32 am graper / udps / unidel Dear Friends: It was probably Herman Hollerith, the inventor of the punched computer card, who first said, "All I need is a bottle of Jack Daniels Whiskey and a fistful of tit to get me through the night," and it is upon this note that this story starts. Computer Science is the name of the game. Man. Everyone knew that. Everyone knows_____ that. This is the age of the computer and all that sort of stuff that they say on television documentaries all the time. Seymour knew this. Seymour was a Computer Science major. Seymour was quite a fellow. He wore white shirts everyday, and always wore slacks. That was what set him___ apart. You and I wear "pants" but no, uh uh, not Seymour. Seymour wore "slacks," the things that are signed on the inside pocket by unknown Italian tailors. Actually, if you have 3/4 of a brain, you realize that actually that ex- pensive signature on the inside of those slacks was made by a signature machine, and most certainly not by the ---------------------------------------- Response 1 of 5 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 6/8/79 12:39 am graper / udps / unidel Italian tailor himself. Seymour knew this, because he had over 7/8 of a brain, 1/8 of a brain more than the minimum requirement to understand how expensive Italian tailors sign so many pairs of slacks. But that strays from the point, which strays from Seymour, which strays from the story and makes for bad plot. Take it from me. Seymour had finished his CS546 final project, a 4 way insertion mode di-lystic logic router, and was carrying it to his professor's office. There were twenty three lines of code in his program, a very small amount indeed. Most other people took over two hundred lines for their 4 way insertion mode di-lystic logic routers and felt good if they got that far. Seymour was in fact a genius. A whiz. A freak of nature that makes a human especially good at doing some sort of abstract act that at some point in history is exceptionally well esteemed in his society. People like me can never understand what they're doing on our planet in ---------------------------------------- Response 2 of 5 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 6/8/79 12:45 am graper / udps / unidel the first place, and can only be thankful that folks like Seymour are on our___ side. Seymour briefed through his program as he hustled up the steps to the office. He grunted to himself, realizing that, had he made one last change, he could have finished his program in twenty two lines rather than twenty three. This was so purely academic that it was silly, but that's just the way he was. "Dr. Bernhardt?" Seymour said, walking into Dr. Bernhardt's office. "Dr. Bernhardt?" Dr. Bernhardt was sitting at his desk. "Dr. Bernhardt?" Seymour asked again. "I'm sitting at my desk," Dr. Bernhardt said. Seymour looked around the room for a few moments, then saw him at his desk. "Oh, you're at your desk," Seymour said. "Yes." "Here's the assignment." "Handing it in two weeks ahead of time, eh Seymour?" "What?" ---------------------------------------- Response 3 of 5 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 6/8/79 12:53 am graper / udps / unidel "I said, 'You're handing in another assignment two weeks early.'" "Uh, yeah! It wasn't too hard." "No, I suppose not. Tell me, Seymour," Dr. Bernardt said, leaning back in his chair, "do you have any girlfriend right now?" Seymour looked up at the furthest corner of the ceiling. Hey remained in this stalled position for ten seconds, which is a pretty goddamn long time. "Uh, no." Dr. Bernhardt was amused. "Have you ever had a girlfriend, Seymour?" Seymour answered this a little faster. "Nope." Dr. Bernhardt sat back in his chair and looked at Seymour. He was convinced that he saw before him a prime example of Homo Machinus, or Man of the Machine, a human being useful only for programming and servicing the machines of mankind. Dr. Bernhardt was very pleased. He had just thought up the term "Homo Machinus" the day before and was dying to use it. ---------------------------------------- Response 4 of 5 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 6/8/79 1:03 am graper / udps / unidel "You, Seymour, are a Homo Machinus." "No, never had a girlfriend." This was amusing Dr. Bernhardt all the more. Sey- mour was caught in a loop. "Tell me Seymour, is water combustible?" "Yes, I'm handing it in two weeks early again. . . assignments must be handed in. . .it was easy." Dr. Bernhardt got on his hands and knees on top of his desk, ignoring the piles of print-outs and papers scattered all over the top, facing Seymour directly. "Seymour, you've been my student all this semester and I must admit your perfect scores on every exam, on every program and in every quiz has succeeded in keeping the majority of this class below a D grade level, even with the most generous grade curves. And I have only one question for you." Seymour was jiggling, his brain percolating with electricity. "Where do you get those slacks?" Seymour bounced up and down without jumping or ---------------------------------------- Response 5 of 5 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 6/8/79 1:05 am graper / udps / unidel anything, the very force of his internal organs suddenly hopping up and down in his body being enough to make him do it. He bounced about twelve times, bounced through the door of the French teacher's office across the hall and out the open window onto the grassy mall below where he hit a useless theater-major female student who was strumming a guitar and singing "If I had a hammer."