---------------------------------------- Note 36 writing *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/22/80 9:28 am graper / udperuse / unidel Dear Friends: Oh, jesus. Another day. You know, you go to one of those 24 hour computer tellers needing just 3 dollars, their smallest denomination is $25 so you have to take that and BZZZZ, suddenly you've got a $22 surplus and the bank is closed and you're economically supercharged and you go get the three dollar thing you needed in the first place and then wander into the department store and screw around in the toy section, look at the airplane models and look! over there, hmm, well, I always did___ sort of want a plastic buddha incense burner and so forth and first you break the five and then the twenty as your cash slowly disintegrates into candy bars and magazines and BLAM, it's Tuesday morning and all there is left is a five, two ones and about 83 cents in change. Hey, but don't let my troubles get you down. How are you? I'm ok. Well, I've been thinking lately about trying for the big time. Yup. Trying to get something published in a real ---------------------------------------- Response 1 of 13 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/22/80 9:33 am graper / udperuse / unidel magazine But it's hard trying to find just the right one, you know? I mean, I've written for magazines a couple times before and after constant rejection I've come to realize that you don't write your stuff and then sell it. It seems more along the line of figure out what they want and then give it to them. Real sad state of affairs for your literary artiste'. So what do you do? You walk through Newark newstand and see what's selling. Women's magazines. They look like a soft touch. You look through one of them and, besides the monthly Jello hints and sanitary napkin ads you get to the fiction. "Frenzy in Venice." It has full page picture of a man in a three piece suit looking at a female whose head is coyly turned away. They are in a restaurant. The moon is in the background. Centered halfway in every page of the text is a section of the script in big print, "'But you promised,' he said. . ." or "He looked at her and she looked at him. . ." and stuff like that. ---------------------------------------- Response 2 of 13 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/22/80 9:35 am graper / udperuse / unidel Romance. Ultra-soft porno sort of stuff that women really dig. Briefing through it to catch the general flavor, you write down the formula as best you can and then sit down at the PLATO terminal and begin. A title. How about, "Faraway Love." A woman (a woman has always got to be the lead character in these things) goes to Monaco (it's always best to have this crap happen in an "exotic" city) where she meets a man (naturally) named Rock Thud (women love forceful names) who is the crown prince of some romantic sounding Eastern European country but doesn't tell her because he has always had his choice of ample-breasted women who would gladly get it on with him purely on account of his being a crown prince and all but now he wants "true love" and wants a woman to fall in love with him because of his being a wonderful human being and not a crown prince so he is posing as a lifeguard (which justifies his wearing only bathing trunks, allowing me to stick in all the descriptions of his ---------------------------------------- Response 3 of 13 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/22/80 9:37 am graper / udperuse / unidel tanned muscular body) at the Hotel Monaco. Let's see, her best friend Jackie bonks her head on a surfboard and Rock has to go save her and, umm, this introduces Rock to the leading lady named, uh, Amelia. That's a pretty popular name with women, isn't it? Sort of elaborate and pretty, like Victoria but not with all the "Victorian" connotations. Hmm. Well, uh, he really digs Amelia's looks and Amelia, although putting on a look of concern for her friend Jackie gets really turned on by his giving her artificial resuscitation. Right about here I stick in the descriptive porn: "His slick, tensing muscles" and "His wet skin, barely containing his massive biceps," etc. Alright, so they part and then later they both show up at Jackie's hospital room at exactly the same time and act real embarassed when Jackie says they look good together and, hmm, maybe some more descriptions of Rock's muscles tensing, yeah, we could have him adjusting Jackie's bed and, yeah! we could have him still in his bathing trunks ---------------------------------------- Response 4 of 13 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/22/80 9:40 am graper / udperuse / unidel because he's visiting during his coffee break while as a lifeguard (lucky for me the hospital is so close to the beach) and he asks Amelia out for dinner. OK. Now we've got them together and, oh yeah!! the best part of women's stories!! the "secret thoughts going on during dinner" stuff. Well, she thinks that she's in love with him but that she might be too impetuous (a real favorite women's word) and he's thinking that he's in love with her and dying to tell her that she is going out with none other than the crown prince of whatever that country was called and that she could be queen and all. And then, well, umm, ah. . . Well, around here I sort of stare at the screen and scratch my chin. Writer's block. Ummmmmm. . . . . Well, it turns out that Rock is in fact an alien from the planet . . .no, it turns out that Amelia is an alien. . .no, they're both aliens! Yeah, they're both aliens on vacation on earth, unknowing that the other is also an alien and . . .and in fact, their two planets are ---------------------------------------- Response 5 of 13 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/22/80 9:44 am graper / udperuse / unidel at war! Yeah, and they don't know that the other is the enemy and, uh, well. . . . If the PLATO screen was a sheet of paper it would be most appropriate to just rip it out of the typewriter and crumple it up violently. Maybe women's magazines aren't for me. Well, lets see. I actually have had a liking for that OMNI magazine, you know, the one with all the scientific stuff in it and far out fiction and all. No tears-on-my-pillow bullshit there, boy, just honest to god fiction that makes your knees shake. Only trouble is that it's hard to get a start on a story for them. What exactly do those folks want? The captain spoke reassuringly over the plane loudspeaker, "We're encountering a little turbulence up here folks, but don't worry. The Boeing 747 is known for its ability to take bad things like this." The people shifted uneasily in their seats. Pilots were notorious liars. ---------------------------------------- Response 6 of 13 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/22/80 9:45 am graper / udperuse / unidel Outside lightning struck the airplane again and again. "Don't worry about the lightning either. We're all insulated since we're in the air," the captain replied as if reading the minds of everyone on board. The captain, an old World War II pilot that didn't trust any of those new fangled electronic gizmoes ripped the headset from his ears. "Dumbass navigator, trusts his gizmoes more than his eyes!" he said, ignoring the tiny buzzing voice coming out of the earpiece. He cleaned his spectacles with his thumb and squinted out the front window. He couldn't see anything, but that made no difference. It began to rain. "Better turn on the windshield wipers," he said, expertly flipping a switch that actually lowered the landing gear. "Captain, the turbulence is bothering the ---------------------------------------- Response 7 of 13 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/22/80 9:53 am graper / udperuse / unidel passengers," the pretty stewardess said. "Don't worry, we'll be through it soon." His words were prophetic, for soon enough the sky cleared and the sun could again be seen. "The weatherman said it was gonna be sunny in Pittsburgh today." "Captain, I believe our radio was burnt out by that lightning shock we just had," the radio man stated, walking up front from the radio area. "Have you tried to fix it?" the captain asked, trying to remember where the land brakes were on these new fangled planes. "Well, there's nothing but static on it. I checked it through but couldn't find anything wrong myself. It must be the tuner section, I just can't get anything on it." "Far out. Well, how long have we got until we get to Pittsburgh, navigator?" The navigator, slightly miffed by the captain's previous behavior, stated that it would be shortly. "All right. Well then, I guess it's time to talk ---------------------------------------- Response 8 of 13 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/22/80 9:54 am graper / udperuse / unidel to the passengers." He pulled down the microphone that went through to the passenger compartment intercom. "Alright folks, you can now look down and see Pittsburgh on our right. The beautiful Pittsburgh Veterans' Stadium is in the center of the metropolis. . ." "Captain, I don't see it," the Communications officer stated. The captain switched off the microphone. "Uh oh. What a boo boo." He switched on the mike again, "Excuse me, you will see Pittsburgh on our left____." "It's not on the left either, Captain!" the Communications officer replied, "In fact, I don't see anything________ man made down there." "But we're definitely over Pittsburgh's coordi- nates!" the navigator stated, coming forward in the plane. "Wha. . .wha. . .look out there!!" Looking to the left, in the middle of a giant ---------------------------------------- Response 9 of 13 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/22/80 10:55 am graper / udperuse / unidel swamp, a huge brontosaurus lifted its head to stare at the 747 flying by. It kept staring, stupidly chewing on its grass. "The lightning. . .the radio not working. . .the dinosaurs. . .we're. . .we're. . ." "Flying over Disneyworld!" the Captain answered, "Hell, lightning can do that to you sometimes. Why, when I was flying this B-52 over Stuttgart during the war. . ." "No, you idiot!!" the Navigator shouted, "We've gone back in time!!" "Oh, that's not too bad. You know, everytime I fly one of these johnsons to Japan the time keeps going backwards all the time. . ." "I mean back in real time! Historic time! We must be in a million B.C.!!" "Let's check," the pilot said, pressing the light on the electronic clock twice to have the date display. Sure enough, it said May 23, One Million B.C. "I always ---------------------------------------- Response 10 of 13 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/22/80 10:56 am graper / udperuse / unidel wondered why they had those two extra numbers on the clock. I guess it was in case of exponential dates." The Navigation Officer was all in a tither. "What do we do? Where do we land? There weren't any runways in prehistoric America!" "Don't worry. I know just who we need." The captain pulled the microphone off its mount on the ceiling. "Are there any theoretical-atomic physicists aboard?" Bursting into the cabin came a tall, gaunt man with wire-rimmed spectacles and a slide rule sticking out of his pocket. "Lucky for me I decided to take this flight!" he said. "Alright professor, we have this problem. . ." No, I don't quite think that will work either. Oh well. Your Friend, Dr. Graper ---------------------------------------- Response 11 of 13 3/3/80 4:11 pm tripp / udperuse / unidel grapenotes / cerl 2/25/80 12:42 am stecyk / o / cerl I hate to say this, but this is almost an exact copy of an a certain "Twilight Zone" episode. ---------------------------------------- Response 12 of 13 3/3/80 5:13 pm lynch / udperuse / unidel I think he missed the point. ---------------------------------------- Response 13 of 13 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 3/6/80 10:40 am graper / udperuse / unidel Dear Friends: Dammit, he did___ miss the point! Your Friend, Dr. Graper