---------------------------------------- Note 34 atfos *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 9:59 am graper / udperuse / unidel A TALE FROM OUTER SPACE by Dr. Graper ---------------------------------------- Response 1 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 9:59 am graper / udperuse / unidel Dear Friends: "The Newlywed Game!" the TV shouted. The famous theme song, some sort of marriage march to a modern swinging beat, began spouting out of the speakers. "With your host, Bob Friendly!!" Bob Friendly began talking about the great game they were going to have today and all the fun in store and the incredibly embarassing sexually oriented questions they would ask. "All this and more after this brief message!" Grandpa sat in his Lazy-Boy recliner, listening to the television talk to him. "When you reach a certain age, you just can't play football with the kids like you used to. . ." On the screen was a picture of a grey haired old man, getting up from being tackled by his grandson. He was making a painful expression on his face and putting his hand on his back. ". . .you just can't do it anymore," the TV repeated. ---------------------------------------- Response 2 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 10:00 am graper / udperuse / unidel Grandpa nodded slightly. "You just can't do it anymore. . ." he said under his breath. "And other_____ things become a real pain too. . ." the Television told him. There was a picture of that same grey-haired fellow on the Television in bed with his wife to insinuate what "other" things old men also couldn't do anymore. "And other things become a real pain too. . ." Grandpa repeated, putting some "Old Briar" tobacco in his pipe. "Ordinary pills just don't work. . ." the TV said. "Ordinary pills just don't work," Grandpa responded quietly. "In fact. . .nothing_______ works." "In fact. . .nothing_______ works. . ." Grandpa grew tired. "In fact, nothing can___ work, Grandpa, because you're just an old man. Just a tired, old man living day to day ---------------------------------------- Response 3 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 10:01 am graper / udperuse / unidel watching daytime television shows. . ." The picture on the television started showing Grandpa himself, sitting in his living room, watching the television and smoking his disgusting smelling "Old Briar" tobacco. "I. . .I. . ." Grandpa was drowsily interested. The TV was speaking directly to him! "Really, what good are you anyway Grandpa? Just a weight for your grandchildren and the state to pull and benefiting noone but the "Old Briar Tobacco" industry which could easily______ get along without you!" Grandpa felt very sleepy. "And don't give us any crap about your being a pleasant old man, grandpa. You quite simply are not. . ." The television began showing a picture of Grandpa, the night before, telling a newspaperboy that he was only paying him half the week's paper money since the sports pages had been missing for three weeks now. In fact they hadn't. The pipe fell out of Grandpa's mouth. ---------------------------------------- Response 4 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 10:03 am graper / udperuse / unidel "You are an abusive, stinky old man grandpa. A real pain to have around." The television began showing pictures of grandpa occupying the family bathroom for hours at a time, crankily waking up at 7 o'clock every morning to loudly watch the morning Farm report on the television and leaving Geritol encrusted spoons around the kitchen sink. Grandpa's eyes began slowly closing shut. "We don't like you grandpa, so why don't you just DROP DEAD!!" the television shouted. Silence. Then, back to the Newlywed Game. Bob Friendly idly chatting with the audience. Then the Newlywed Game was over. Then came the $600,000 Pyramid Game. Then the "Bust your Jaw" Game. Then the "Round Robin Chase the Celebrity" Game. Then the "I love Lucy" reruns. Then the Commander Tom Cartoon Carnival Show. Then the local news. Then the national ---------------------------------------- Response 5 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 10:11 am graper / udperuse / unidel news. And so on. Grandpa's daughter Jane was a radical feminist. She partly owned the house where Grandpa sat in the Lazy-boy recliner watching day-time television shows. Her husband was a worker at a nuclear power plant. He was a real nut. His name was Bob Black. He wore horned rimmed safety glasses and a plastic pocket protector with "Hercules Chemical" printed on it. Bob's job was to press a bunch of confusing buttons to make the fuel rods move around in the reactor. He had had to take a great many psychological tests to get this job. All had determined that he was the ideal person for the nuclear engineering position: i.e., he possessed no imagination whatsoever. "What's this Bob?" a psychologist asked him when he was trying out for the job. "A picture of a tree." It indeed was a picture of a tree. ---------------------------------------- Response 6 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 10:12 am graper / udperuse / unidel "Very good, Bob." "Thank you." The psychologist then held up a blank sheet of paper. "What's this, Bob?" "A blank sheet of paper." "Not a snowy covered field?" "No." "Not a close-up of blizzard?" "No." "Not even an artist's conception of life inside a Box of 'Ivory Snow'?" "Of course not." The psychologist smiled and put a "0" beside the word "IMAGINATION" on Bob's test form. Two weeks later, Bob was hired at the nuclear plant. Jane came home at 7 o'clock everynight. Invariably, ---------------------------------------- Response 7 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 10:13 am graper / udperuse / unidel Grandpa would be watching "Million Dollar Sweepstakes." Tonight was no exception. The only variation was that grandpa was inanimate in front of the glowing television. "Hi Grandpa!" Jane said, lugging some "Natural" Groceries up to the kitchen. She was in a hurry to eat and then make it to that evening's Womens' Caucus on the Subcommittee to Revise the Commission of Womens' Infinite Self-Centered Studies. "Where's that idiot Bob?" she asked Grandpa. She called her husband Bob an idiot all the time, even in front of his face. Like every other night, Grandpa didn't answer. "Probably working at that damned nuke plant again. Probably assuages his damned male ego!" She loudly banged cans of Fruit Cocktail into the pantry. She quickly whipped together a "Mug 'o Soup" and went back into the living room where the television was still running. The "Million Dollar Sweepstakes" was still ---------------------------------------- Response 8 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 10:16 am graper / udperuse / unidel going on. It turned out that Bob actually was at the place he worked, the Santa Bingo nuclear power installation. He was twisting a big knob marked "NH3" and simultaneously pushing a small toggle switch back and forth. After whatever he saw on the computer display looked alright, he pushed up five slide controls and the rods in the nuclear pile went up, starting up the reaction and the electricity for the evening. His wife Jane, like most every other human being on earth, had no real idea as to what Bob did. She thought that the entire process of pulling rods out of the pile, the thing Bob was very good at, was in fact a sublimation of his fear of castration. Furthermore, she untruthfully stated that Bob talked about putting the rods in and out of the pile while he was asleep, meaning that he felt sexually inadequate. Bob never talked in his sleep. This is because he did not dream. ---------------------------------------- Response 9 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 10:18 am graper / udperuse / unidel His wife was a real pain in the ass. Bob thought about this sometime, but it did not bother him a whole lot since he didn't see her very much. Jane sat in the living room, eating her home made fast food dinner, watching other humans far away gambling it all for the big Million Dollar prize on the game show. She would alternate between watching the TV show and reading her whiny feminist magazine. On the walls behind her, you could see the obvious dichotomy between she and Bob. She had decorated the place with artsy fartsy pictures of nude women. Bob had put up a "Finney Electrical Supplies" calendar. The bookshelf was full of books that were either "Women, women, women___________________ for women about women written by women" or "Heat flow thermodynamics/pulsation phenomena" sorts of things. "Dammit!" Jane said, "Just like all the time, just like it always happens!!" Of the two competitors on the game show, one a woman and one a man, the man had just won ---------------------------------------- Response 10 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 10:20 am graper / udperuse / unidel the prize. Jane got upset and got a cigarette. ". . .and that's 'Million Dollar Sweepstakes!' Join us again tomorrow night, same time, same station! Now stay tuned for 'Buffalo Stampede Game'!" Jack West, the show's emcee said. Jane thought she'd stay tuned. A commercial came on. It showed a picture of a woman in a field of daisies. "What is it about a woman that sets her apart. . ." the television said. Jane became interested. "It's your special needs, your special feelings. You are simply different from a man. . ." Jane's eyes became lulled into the television's stare. "Different. . .different because, for the most part, you are sensitive. . ." Jane nodded her head up and down. "Because you understand things differently. . ." ---------------------------------------- Response 11 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 10:22 am graper / udperuse / unidel the television continued, "but mostly because deep down inside, you really wish that you were a man. . ." Jane nodded again, unblinking. "Yes, you may call yourself a radical feminist. . . but do you look radically feminine? No, in actuality you more closely resemble a cow. . ." The picture on the screen started showing Jane at that very moment sitting in the living room, smoking that stinky cigarette and eating the fast food. "Don't think of yourself as a well-rounded person either. You're a grand pain in the ass, that's all." The television began showing her pictures of her putting down her husband Bob in a variety of situations, of blaming the paperboy of sexism when he asked for the month's paper money and of a few other offensive situations. Jane kept staring, her eyes slowly closing shut. "As for your touted sexuality, forget it! When your own husband would rather do it with a can of nuclear ---------------------------------------- Response 12 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 10:26 am graper / udperuse / unidel waste material than with you. . ." The television showed a picture of Bob in a compromising position in the nuclear waste chamber of the Santa Bingo plant. Actually he was just picking up the can, but it sure did look naughty. "You are an insensitive, useless human being who brings nothing but pain to the people around you. You are not needed, not liked and barely tolerated. Go away! GO AWAY!!" the TV screamed. Jane shut her eyes and turned off. The television began showing the "Buffalo Stampede Game" show. The television was whirring and puttering inside. It had completed another job. It was, in actuality, a very complex computer being operated from the planet Lobos. On Lobos, where everyone looked like a red thermos bottle, the inhabitants wanted to take over the universe as the inhabitants of every planet eventually want to do in science fiction stories. ---------------------------------------- Response 13 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 10:28 am graper / udperuse / unidel The inhabitants of Lobos were all pretty stupid, their planetary magazine being "The Lobotian Times," roughly equivalent to our "National Star" or "True Confessions" here on earth. On June 7, 1977, the Lobotian Times ran an "expose'" in their "scientific" section. It was called "Cruel Torture carried on by extraterrestrials against Lobotians, transmitted in living color to Lobos daily!!" It was all about the people of the planet earth, zipping on over to Lobos and kidnapping citizens and trying them on earth for farcical crimes. There was some basis in their fears. For ten years, the people of Lobos had been receiving broadcasts from WHTK, Cincinatti, which ran Star Trek reruns intermingled with Chevy Truck, Sanka Coffee and Thermos(c) Jug commercials. The latter caught their greatest attention. "Try out the new All-Weather Thermos!!" a large breasted female said on the television watched by the ---------------------------------------- Response 14 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 10:31 am graper / udperuse / unidel Lobotians. "Look! They've got another one!!" one Lobotian said. "My god! Probably some sort of mock 'public trial' to punish an innocent Lobotian for 'crimes against the state'!" another theorized. "It's a snap!" the woman said on the TV, unscrewing the Thermos Jug's lid. She talked about the structure of the jug while holding a steaming pot of vegetable soup above it, ready to pour it in. "Oh my god!!" a Lobotian scientist/spectator cried out, "The earthling has pronounced sentence! She's going to execute him!!" "And here we go!" the female said, blopping the chunky vegetable soup into the jug. All the Lobotian spectators turned away, sickened. They could not believe the disgusting manner in which these earthlings arbitrarily dispatched one of their own kind. ---------------------------------------- Response 15 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 10:32 am graper / udperuse / unidel "There. . .there must be vengeance for this!" an emotionally aroused Lobotian whimpered through his tears. Based on the knowledge gained from the erratic broadcasts from the Cincinatti Star Trek rerun station, the Lobotians determined that the Earthlings were in the possession of vast power in their weaponry and space travel capabilities. Knowing this, they had decided to apply a two pronged attack. First they would infiltrate earthling society with Lobotian-programmed destroyer televisions, psychological Trojan Horses that would demoralize the populace. Once this was done, they would seek out and kidnap "Scotty," earth's most valuable and intelligent engineer. That was in August, 1977. It was now September, 1981. ---------------------------------------- Response 16 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 10:33 am graper / udperuse / unidel Chapter II Bob Black: Man of the future Our friend Bob, the nuclear plant worker, was finishing up late again. He pulled back four big control sticks, pushed five red buttons and two black buttons, turned a knob marked K.T.O., watched a bunch of meters go up and down and then put a check mark next to the words SYSTEMS DOWN-CHECK on a piece of Santa Bingo Stationary. It was 8:31 in the evening. September 4. 1981. Although work officially ended at 5 p.m., Bob was late to go home again. Purposefully. He would always be late in going home because it gave him the least probability of meeting his wife Jane (who would invariably be at a women's consciousness raising group meeting) or having to talk with her disgusting father (who would invariably be asleep in front of the television at that time). Just to make sure, he decided to check everything ---------------------------------------- Response 17 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 10:34 am graper / udperuse / unidel again. That would take at least another hour. Meanwhile on Lobos the Lobotians were monitoring the progress of their destroyer televisions. Over the years, the Lobotians had succeeded in placing only eight destroyer televisions on earth but since they could move by themselves on their stubby little console legs they had caused plenty of havoc throughout the planet. The destroyer television in Bob's house was called "unit two." This was because it was the second unit to be landed on the earth since the initial infiltration in 1977. On the walls of the Lobotian Destroyer Television command center, the eight video monitors were sending back images of what they had done. "Excellent! Unit Seven has just criticized an entire human family to death!!" one Lobotian stated. "Unit Five is beginning to criticize the president of the Earth country of Botswana!" "Unit Two reports that it has finished criticizing ---------------------------------------- Response 18 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 10:36 am graper / udperuse / unidel the humans in its location!" The head Lobotian scientist began to direct the others in continuing the operation. "Send units seven and two orders to liberate all Lobotians in their areas!" Other Lobotian scientists began furiously working at their task. At Bob's house, the television stopped showing the "Watch that Shark!" game and slowly started walking into the kitchen. Purposefully, it opened up all the cupboards and searched them for Thermos(c) jugs. Bob had two, but since he had taken one to work the television found only one. "You are liberated, comrade!!" the television said to the Thermos(c) jug. There was no response. Back on Lobos, the directing scientist of unit two looked at his monitor and sadly shook his head. "Another Lobotian. . . .found dead." ---------------------------------------- Response 19 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 10:37 am graper / udperuse / unidel Bob finished going through the plant, looking at inspect tags and looking at meter readings. Now the dreaded moment of going home. Putting away his official looking Santa Bingo Nuclear Power Plant hard hat and picking up his thermos, he headed out to the parking lot, got in his car and started the long drive home. "Unit two is having problems!" one Lobotian scientist shouted over the noise of the command center to the head scientist. "What is it?" Unit two's director looked at the readout from his screens. "It's the movement devices. The left leg of the console is stuck." "Dammit, same thing happened to unit one last month! It's those old legs they used to use!" "What do we do?" ---------------------------------------- Response 20 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 10:40 am graper / udperuse / unidel "Have it crawl back into its place in the living room. We'll have to figure out something later." From far away in space, microsignals beamed to the planet earth instructing the destroyer television unit two to return to its place in the living room. Pausing only to close up the kitchen cupboards it had been ransacking for Lobotian citizens, it returned to its place. The lights from Bob's Pinto wagon wheeled across the windows of the living room just as unit two got back into place. Moments later, after putting the car in the garage, Bob came in. Unit Two was showing the "Let's Strike a Bargain" Game. Bob snuck in through the door and peeked into the living room. There he saw both Jane and her grunchy old ---------------------------------------- Response 21 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 10:41 am graper / udperuse / unidel father parked on the couch and recliner, seemingly asleep. "Shit!" he thought. He had wanted to read, and the only really good reading lamp was there in the living room. He heard the game show playing on the TV. Nobody was moving. Bob's exceptionally logical mind derived that they were in post-REM sleep, and his quiet reading would not disturb them. "Sir!" a Lobotian scientist shouted to the head scientist, "another human has just entered unit two's area!" The head scientist stormed over to the monitor and looked. "Damn! I thought we had all of them! Well, with unit two's broken transport mechanism, we might as well get as many as possible. Tell unit two to criticize that individual to death." ---------------------------------------- Response 22 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 10:43 am graper / udperuse / unidel Very very____ quietly, Bob pulled copies of "NUCLEAR ENGINEER'S JOURNAL" out of his old leather briefcase and began reading them. There was a really hot article on LaPlace transforms this month, and he had been dying to read it. First, however, he always liked to look through the letters. With a contented smile, he began. "Dear NE Journal: At my plant, the introduction of carbonized element fixtures led to the the actual increasing of light decaying options in the containment housings. . . Bob scratched his chin. "Interesting development" he thought. "Dear NE Journal: About last month's 'How to determine the cross-flow vibrations of pulsating heated structures', I think you made a mistake! On page 3, where it says '. . .and grommet fixture A will coincide with the shifted zircon rods' you must have meant the carbon rods! When we tried it here at the Three Mile Island plant, we nearly blew Pennsylvania off the map! Ha ha ha! Boy, all ---------------------------------------- Response 23 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 10:45 am graper / udperuse / unidel the guys at the plant had a good laugh at that one! Lucky for us we were able to pretend it was a systems breakdown, or we'd all have our asses in a sling!" Bob giggled, then quickly quieted himself for fear of waking the other folks in the room. The television began showing "The Knuckle Under Game" where contestants would humiliate themselves in front of guest celebrities for big cash and prizes. Bob couldn't wait. He just had___ to see those new Transform equations that he'd been waiting all month for. He leafed ahead in his magazine. The television had a woman named Irene Sheldon being forced (for $1000) to let Rock Thud, a movie star, pour honey all over her hair. For an extra thousand, she then let him crack eggs on her forehead and pour them down her dress. Bob pulled out some old back issues of NUCLEAR ENGINEER'S Journal since this month's was part five in a ---------------------------------------- Response 24 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 10:49 am graper / udperuse / unidel series of five on Linear Transformation applications and he had___ to see all of them at once. Rock Thud was laughing so hard at Irene now since she was licking his boot (for a Mobile Home and $300 of accessories) that he could barely stand up. Over the laughter, the emcee announced a commercial break. "You are a man of precision!" the television said, "a man who knows not only what's______ going on but how___ it's going on." This was supposedly a commercial about stereo components. "You can't just think_____ something is good; you have to know____ it's good!" Bob began searching through some more issues of NE Journal, looking for an article he remembered reading in 1978. "A man who lives with his brain. . . not his heart. A man who is devoid of feeling. . .barely human!" Bob found the article and made a silent cry of joy. To his happiness, he had highlighted the important parts ---------------------------------------- Response 25 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 10:51 am graper / udperuse / unidel when he first read it. "All brain, no real humanity! Intelligent, perhaps, but cold!! Cold and Dead!!" Bob found some scratch paper and began outlining the article. This would make it easier to quickly grasp the latest article on the subject. Why, he might even write his own___ letter to NE Journal! The TV began showing Bob pictures of himself pictures of himself sneaking around his own house, shoulders drooping. "You henpecked bastard! You retreat from your own sexual inadequacies by becoming overly involved in your damned Power Plant!" (Unit two had taken this very line from Jane, his wife) Bob got out his calculator and tried out a few of the calculations in the article himself. ---------------------------------------- Response 26 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 10:54 am graper / udperuse / unidel At the Lobos control center, the scientist in charge of unit two stared into the monitor. "We're having problems with this human!" he said. "What?" The head scientist walked over to the monitor. "I can't understand it. Humans are unable to disbelieve what their televisions tell them! Increase the intensity!" "You heartless, cold, calculating non-human machine!" unit two shouted from its little 4 inch speaker. Bob frowned slightly as he miskeyed his calculator, then reentered the numbers. "You sexless thing!! Of course you know that your own wife has used your working at that damned plant to cheat on you!! Of course, you fool!!" the destroyer television said. It began showing footage it had taken of Jane with Seymour, the next door neighbor doing naughty things on the very couch Bob was sitting on with the secret camera mounted ---------------------------------------- Response 27 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 10:56 am graper / udperuse / unidel in its channel selector. Bob pulled a mechanical pencil from his plastic pocket protector and began writing down some numbers on the inside jacket of the magazine. "While you were away! Seymour, the man you lent your self-propelled lawnmower to! With your wife!!" the TV screamed from its little speaker. It began amplifying the absolutely obscene soundtrack to the footage it was showing. Bob wrote down some more numbers in a little list, then paused for a moment to turn down the television's volume to avoid keeping the others in the room from waking. The Lobotian scientists at the command center were all gathered around unit two's monitor by this time. "This is incredible!" "I can't believe it" and "Amazing" were the comments passed around. The head scientist began scrutinizing the monitor. "A strange individual indeed!" he said. "Focus in ---------------------------------------- Response 28 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 10:59 am graper / udperuse / unidel on those things he's reading." "OH!! OH SEYMOUR!!" the television throatily grunted, simultaneously focussing its little channel selector lense on Bob's engineering journal. "What's the name of that thing?" "Well," a translator said, "It says NUCLEAR ENGINEERING JOURNAL. The others beside him say 'POWER SOURCE ENGINEERING' and some others there at the bottom say PHYSICS ENGINEER." The head scientist began to talk aloud. "Works at Power Plant. . .spends all of free time reading Engineering Journals. . .interested mainly in Engineering, not women or even television__________. . .interesting. . ." He paused slightly, then stated: "Gentlemen! I think we have located him!" "Who is that?" "Earth's master genius. None other than Lieutenant ---------------------------------------- Response 29 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 10:59 am graper / udperuse / unidel Scott, Earth's best engineer!" ---------------------------------------- Response 30 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 11:01 am graper / udperuse / unidel Chapter Three -- At Home with Bob When Lobotian High Command found out that their destroyer televisions had found Scotty, the head scientist of the command center got a promotion to Grand Wazoo or something and everybody was just delighted. Now the problem was kidnapping Scotty. "My plan, gentlemen," the High Lobotian commander said, "is to steal Scotty from the people of earth. Our being unable to defeat the mighty earthlings themselves, we shall count on the Klingons to engage them in war when we make it clear that Scotty has been kidnapped. The two sides shall practically wipe each other out, and whoever remains shall easily be conquered by our forces. The president of the United Federation, as we have recently determined from the decoding of more Earth broadcasts, is a wimpy little fellow named Gilligan. He is located on an island somewhere unknown to the people of his planet." ---------------------------------------- Response 31 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 11:04 am graper / udperuse / unidel The crowd listening to the High commander murmured. "An individual known only as 'the professor' may try to fill Scotty's place as Earth's main engineer, but since his scientific skills extend no further than making shortwave sets out of coconuts we should have little to fear." "But how do we kidnap him?" was the question of one. "Simply this: we search for the location of the greatest concentration of power on earth. That's where he'll be. Then, we lure him into a secluded mens room by leaving a leading trail of interesting technical journals on the floor. Once he's alone, we overpower him and take bring him back home where we can hold him and wait for the fun to begin!" All the folks in the crowd agreed that this, indeed, would be a magnificent way to get Scotty (or Bob). ---------------------------------------- Response 32 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 11:06 am graper / udperuse / unidel "An' ah said to de loahd, I sahd, Jesus my jesus sweet jesus, amen. . ." the television in Bob's house said. It had returned to its ordinary channel, finding that it could not criticize Bob at all. It had returned to channel 43, a station that showed Black Baptist ministers screaming. Bob had finished working on his little problem when he decided to have a Tasty-break. This was a term that advertisers had succeeded in getting into every American's head which meant that it was a good time to go into one's kitchen and eat a heavily sugared product that would be wrapped in at least three layers of cellophane and then enclosed in a colorful cardboard box. Bob looked at the box as he opened it and, like a good American, threw it away. It had a picture of a horse drawn buggy and a little story under it which all Americans knew by heart. It talked about how good the product in the box was and provided you with a pretty hallucination. Instead of imagining a rude, hairy stinky truck driver ---------------------------------------- Response 33 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 11:08 am graper / udperuse / unidel throwing cases of the heavily sugared product off at the local store, you could imagine that it arrived in a pretty horse drawn buggy and that a kindly old man delivered them fresh every morning at the crack of dawn. "How. . . .how. . . . ." Bob said. The picture and the hallucination and the heavily sugared "food" and everything began to crowd in on his mind. Here was a man who was beginning to doubt himself. He began entertaining absurd thoughts. Bob was a man who consistently failed imagination tests, not because he was in fact unimaginative but because he was actually too___ imaginative. This would be borne out shortly. "Santa Bingo, stingo, pingo!" he said to himself quietly. He was obviously showing the beginning signs of being super-playful: making silly poetry with the name of one's place of work. ---------------------------------------- Response 34 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 11:10 am graper / udperuse / unidel Far away, on Lobos, a spaceship filled with Lobotians slowly lifted off the ground. Inside was a big cage, 8 feet tall by 6 feet across with the nameplate "Scotty" on the front. Bob sat in the kitchen, unwrapping prewrapped cheese slices and putting them on pieces of bread. He had eight pieces of bread laid out since he was making eight sandwiches at once. "I'm practically cooking for a lumberjack camp!" he thought to himself. He was getting playful again. But don't worry, he gets over it fast. The Lobotians traveled super fast towards earth, following the electric trail of a Duncan Hines Devil's Food Cake commercial. ---------------------------------------- Response 35 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 11:12 am graper / udperuse / unidel Bob quietly went to bed, allowing the television to stay on in the living room and allowing (so he thought) his wife and her grumpy old father to sleep. He had finished being playful, and now was thinking about Manchester's axiom of reflective opposites in matrix inversions (next month's big topic in NUCLEAR ENGINEER). ---------------------------------------- Response 36 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 11:17 am graper / udperuse / unidel Chapter Four: A Visit from Lobos All alone in the guardhouse by the gate of the Santa Bingo power plant, a burly man from SEE-CURE security named Uncle Frank sat alone in the light of the single light bulb hanging from the ceiling. He was dressed in blue serge with a Walther 38 caliber handgun in his impressive leather holster which was filled with little bullets that were meant to turn off anybody who dared come into the plant with less than friendly intentions. Uncle Frank was very intelligent. He sat in the light, musing on his handgun. He began to draw mental analogies between his handgun and a television remote control; indeed, both just turned things off that we don't like without our having to actually touch the thing. "An interesting product of a television oriented society!" Uncle Frank said, an amazing statement for a man who had never completed high school. ---------------------------------------- Response 37 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 11:18 am graper / udperuse / unidel Outside the plant, a sound could be heard. Uncle Frank heard it. Then, there was a big light. Uncle Frank saw it too. Then, there was a big spaceship shaped like a giant red thermos jug that landed right outside the barbed wire and steel link fence that surrounded the plant. "Wow!" Uncle Frank said. Then, out of the side came hordes of little red Thermos jugs, dragging their huge "Scotty" cage. "My goodness!!" Uncle Frank said. And, unlike all those idiotic guards in those raunchy science fiction movies who shout "NO! NO! GET BACK!" and then fire their guns impotently into the oncoming monsters who are totally invulnerable to earth-bullets, Uncle Frank just stood there. The hordes of thermos jugs streamed under holes beneath the fence and surrounded Uncle Frank. "Hello Earthling!" the Lobotian language expert said. "Hi" ---------------------------------------- Response 38 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 11:21 am graper / udperuse / unidel "Open up the gate so we can get our cage in." "I'm . . . I'm not allowed to do that." The Lobotian looked to the side, and then whispered, "We can make it well worth your while." "I. . . I. . ." The Lobotian pulled out a wad of McDonald's gift certificates thick enough to choke a horse (forged on Lobos from McDonald's Hamburger commercials viewed by their scientists). "You just turn your back for a few moments and you'll have more burgers than you know what to do with!" "But. . .but. . ." The Lobotian pushed the gift certificates into his pocket, "I thought we could strike a deal!" With that, he had a fellow Lobotian open the hydraulic gate from the guard house switch and quickly the cage was brought in. All the Lobotians lined up in single file in front of Uncle Frank. Although only two had a full grasp of ---------------------------------------- Response 39 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 11:23 am graper / udperuse / unidel the earthling english language, all of them had been prepared with one line. In unison they said, "Thank you, Mr. Earthling!" Then they all dissappeared into the various plant buildings. Uncle Frank watched them go. Then he looked at the gate. Then he went in the guardhouse and sat down. Then he stared at the guard log. Then he looked at the wad of hamburger gift certificates in his pocket. He was due for replacement in ten minutes. The other guard showed up early. "Hey, Uncle Frank! What's up?" he said, loudly clanging his lunchbox on the guardhouse table. Uncle Frank told him what he saw, and then he walked out. He lost his job and was put in a home for people who saw things that are generally believed not to exist. ---------------------------------------- Response 40 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 11:25 am graper / udperuse / unidel Chapter Five: The Plant Bob woke up. He sat up in bed and looked at the other side, and his wife was not there. He was pleased by this fact. Listening, he heard the television still playing downstairs. Something strange was going on, but he didn't really care. It was another day, and another chance to work at his wonderful nuclear plant. Forgetting about breakfast, he hurried down the stairs ready to go. He saw his wife and her grumpy old dad still reclining in the living room, eyes closed. "They must really______ be tired!" he said. He got in his pinto wagon and went to work. Seymour, the next door neighbor, watched him leave. Then he snuck over to his house and, using the key that Jane gave him, got in. He found her lying on the couch. ---------------------------------------- Response 41 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 11:25 am graper / udperuse / unidel "Hey, Janey baby! How's. . . . uh oh!" He saw her father sitting there. "Why, hello Mr. Burstein! How are tricks?" There was no response. And to make a long story short, Seymour discovered what somebody was bound to discover sometime anyway and called the Santa Bingo County Police and they started investigating things. Oh, and for some reason they also thought that Seymour_______ had probably killed them and took him into custody for some reason or other. Bob arrived at work, put on his official looking Santa Bingo Nuclear Power Plant hat and began "making the rounds." Today he was going to reopen a second part of the plant that had been closed earlier due to technical problems. This involved working in a really neat little cubicle that had loads of controls on all the walls and ---------------------------------------- Response 42 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 11:27 am graper / udperuse / unidel ceiling and there was only one seat with a window in front which looked into this mysteriously looking blue lit room where the core was. This was big fun for Bob. "Hurry!" the Lobotian landing commander said as the buck privates laid intriguing technical journals in a line leading to the mens' room. "He'll certainly be here any minute!!" Then, there were the sounds of footsteps. "Quick, into the mens room!" he whispered, and all the Lobotians hurriedly crowded in. A janitor named Maxwell came around the corner. "Hmm," Maxwell said, looking at the trail of journals. This was very strange. He began picking up the journals one by one, slowly ---------------------------------------- Response 43 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 11:30 am graper / udperuse / unidel heading into the mens' room. "Here he comes!" the head Lobotian said. They pre- pared for the grab. "Disco. . duh duh duh dum. . .Disco . . ." Maxwell hummed under his breath, sticking journal after journal under his arm. He slowly made his way into the mens' room. "There he is! Get him!!" The head Lobotian shouted as Maxwell came into the stall. "Yeaugh!!" he shouted, frightened a great deal. Bob sat in his "Maintenance Module", playing with the innards of the powerful Santa Bingo Nuclear facility. BLEEP BLEEP went some jiggers on his left side, sounding like a cheap computer game. In actuality I suppose one could see it as a computer game with slightly more serious stakes. ---------------------------------------- Response 44 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 11:32 am graper / udperuse / unidel But don't worry. Bob is in control. "This is not Scotty!" the Lobotian landing commander stated, "we saw him on the monitor and he was much taller and a different color!" Their language sounded like the sound when someone is trying to start up a lawnmower or outboard motor to a boat, sort of a bruh Bubba dah bubba dah bubba. . . .dah. . bruuh BUbba dah bubba dah bubba. . .dah. Maxwell felt very scared, what with all these lawnmower sounds going on all around him. "Where you from? I ain't done nothing to you!!" "Bruh Bubba dah bubba dah bubba. . . .dah." The Lobotians were angry and worried. They needed to get Scotty fast before their ship came back from its automatic orbit of earth. Oh, didn't I tell you that? Shortly after they disembarked, the ship went off on auto- pilot into orbit so that noone would question the reasoning ---------------------------------------- Response 45 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 11:33 am graper / udperuse / unidel behind a giant red Thermos jug sitting outside the nuclear plant. "Alright, Earthling, where is Scotty?" the main Lobotian demanded through his translator. "Who the hell is Scotty?" Maxwell shouted. "We have ways of making you talk!" A second in command began advising the main Lobotian. "Perhaps this one does not___ know Scotty. . .by name____. Remember, the earthlings like to hide their leaders from other earthlings!" "Yes, much like they hide their emperor Gilligan on that unknown desert island." "Indeed! Merely ask for the engineering room. If he can give us directions to the warp drive then Scotty will invariably be there_____." "A good idea." At that, he had the translator ask: "Where is the engineering room?" ---------------------------------------- Response 46 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 11:49 am graper / udperuse / unidel Maxwell, when he began training, was forced to watch a hokey 30-minute film called "Nuclear Plant Security: Everybody's Business." It was all about what janitors should do if terrorists or other malcontents were to enter the plant, i.e. refuse to cooperate. But anyone who would lay down his life for $3.20 an hour had to be an idiot. "Where's the engineering room?" "Right down the hall you can't miss it please don't hurt me!" With that, the Lobotians openly burst out of the mens' room and rushed down to the Maintenance Module room where Bob (or Scotty) was. Maxwell rushed out the main door after flashing his security pass and got in his car and drove Northwards at 55 miles per hour until he was in Los Angeles where he first heard the news. ---------------------------------------- Response 47 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 11:52 am graper / udperuse / unidel "Buzz buzz" went a little timepiece on the Lobotian commander's wrist. The spaceship was about to land outside. They were behind schedule, so this would have to be fast. Bob was lowering the rods into the pile at the site where he was working. The site was still having too many problems to open it. BLANG went the five-ply steel outer door as it burst open from the Lobotians' blowing it open with their space explosives. Bob was startled, then excited. Today was going to be fun. "Alright, Scotty, we know you're in there. Come on out," the Lobotian translator whined. There was still a second eight ply lead shielded door for them to get through. Bob was feeling playful. "You'll ne'er get me, ye Klingon nasties!" A voice from central control came over the intercom in the little room. "What's going on in ---------------------------------------- Response 48 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 11:53 am graper / udperuse / unidel there?" Bob banged the intercom's talk button: "Jim, I've got to beam down." The man at the other end of the intercom was confused. "Jim?" he said to himself. ONK ONK ONK went a klaxon on the floor where Bob was working. Evidently, in all the fun, Bob had forgotten to do something he should have done. Outside, the people at the plant were gathering by the front gates to watch the giant Red Thermos jug spaceship come in for its landing. "Oooh!" everyone said. The Lobotian landing commander got very worried. "The ship's landed! We've got to get him out now!!" The secrecy of the mission had been blown, but maybe they could still get Scotty and salvage some of it. ---------------------------------------- Response 49 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 11:56 am graper / udperuse / unidel "Aye, blimey, wee le'el bastards they are now!" Bob said, looking at the Lobotians banging against the inner door from the closed circuit monitor. He was getting playful again. Uh-oh. The Klaxon outside going ONK ONK ONK was now joined by the shrill WHEEE of the emergency whistle which meant that the reactor core was beginning to superheat. There were only two folks in the main control room, since most of the other workers were outside watching the giant Lobotian spaceship landing. They were Charles Breggar, a security twit and Fred, the plant administrator. He had been up in his office when the horns and whistles started honking and screeing. "What's going on here?" Fred asked. "I dunno," Breggar said. Fred walked over to one of the consoles and saw that every meter was pinned to the right side, showing a gross overload of some sort. ---------------------------------------- Response 50 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 11:59 am graper / udperuse / unidel "I wonder if this has anything to do with the horns and whistles and stuff." "I dunno," said Breggar, adjusting his security officer cap. "Well, have somebody write me a memo about this," Fred said, heading back to his office. "I dunno," said Breggar again, leafing through a copy of SECURITY MAN'S JOURNAL. The Lobotians were desparately trying to break their way through the door to get at Bob, but found it impossible. It had two layers of inch thick lead in it, a substance unknown to the Lobotians and subsequently invulnerable to their tools. "Bridge! This is Scotty!" Bob shouted into the intercom mounted on the wall. ---------------------------------------- Response 51 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 12:01 pm graper / udperuse / unidel Fred sat sedately in his office, ignoring the horns and whistles (and now bells, too) and shuffled through his papers. "Bridge, this is Scotty!" his intercom shouted. "What?" he asked. "Aye, this is Scot! I've got to beam doon reet away, Cap'n! The Klingons're aboot ta get me!" Fred was unsure where the voice was coming from since his desk (and his intercom) were covered with papers. "Just a moment!" he said aloud. He started pushing papers to and fro, trying to uncover the intercom. BANG BANG went the Lobotians on the door. "Come on, Scotty, come on out and we'll give you a Barbeque set! Hundreds of hamburger gift certificates!" "Cap'n, requestin' permission to beam doon!" ---------------------------------------- Response 52 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 12:02 pm graper / udperuse / unidel Fred sat in his chair and stroked his chin. Where could that intercom be? He moved his tri-annual report on diddly squat. Wasn't under there. Then he stacked all his administrative journals on the floor and looked under them. Wasn't under there either. Bob could no longer wait. "Aye, blarney stone!" he said, pulling down the finger slide controls on the main rod controller. This pulled the rods right out of the pile and got the reactor really______ going. Admittedly, they did look a lot like the transporter beam switches on Star Trek. "Beaming down!" he said, stepping into a garbage can behind his seat. The core grew very hot and drops of super hot radioactive material began pooling on the floor of the containment building. ---------------------------------------- Response 53 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 12:03 pm graper / udperuse / unidel "Hello. . . hello?" a voice said over the intercom in Bob's little workroom. Fred had found his intercom. "Do you by any chance know what all the honking and bells and stuff are all about?" Blip blip blip, through the concrete went the material in the containment building, through the dirt and then BLANG pfft as it hit the big aquifier that Santa Bingo was built on. All over the place, holes popped out of the earth and began spraying clouds of radioactive steam into the air. "Ho ho ho, oh my!" Bob said, stepping out of his garbage can. That had been fun. His little workroom was still quite safe. "Hello? Is anyone there?" the intercom asked. Bob pressed the TALK button on the intercom. "Sure is." ---------------------------------------- Response 54 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 12:09 pm graper / udperuse / unidel "Who is this?" "Bob Black." "Oh. You know why all the horns and bells and stuff are going off like they are?" "Probably because something's. . . . . .wrong." He looked at his little meters and stuff in his workroom. His beloved plant had gotten all screwed up. "Oh my," Bob said. "Oh my?" Fred asked. "The plant's gone and melted down." "Oh, that's terrible. I don't have any plant meltdown forms here!" "Well," Bob said in that infuriating way engineers often do when five zillion dollars has been shot and seven hundred thousand people have just been killed and 150 square miles of earth have been left destroyed, "Back to the old drawing board." ---------------------------------------- Response 55 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 12:11 pm graper / udperuse / unidel "Guess so," Fred replied. "Maybe I'd better call the governor." "Sounds good to me." The Lobotians, unable to get Scotty, had gone outside through the emergency exit just before all the plant doors automatically locked shut. Boarding their spaceship, they got about halfway out of earth's atmosphere when they were overcome by the noxious radiation and came crashing down somewhere in the Indian Ocean. Earth was saved. Most of earth, anyway. Bob and Fred and Charles were eventually saved after having to live thirteen days in the plant on food from the Coke and Candybar machines. Bob got a new job at Omaha Solar works as a Solar Power technician. Charles (the twit security officer) got a job as a security guard at the University of Delaware where his sister also worked. Fred got another job administering another nuclear power installation. ---------------------------------------- Response 56 of 58 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/21/79 12:11 pm graper / udperuse / unidel The End ---------------------------------------- Response 57 of 58 12/21/79 1:45 pm mcgrath / udnondev / unidel Dr. ... The finest work that I have EVER had the enjoyment of reading on PLATO ... Totally side-splitting. Is this original material ??? If so, then a tip of the cap to you. This was definitly worth waiting for !!! AARDVARK ---------------------------------------- Response 58 of 58 1/3/80 5:55 pm morgenstein / newauth / unidel Doc, I have to agree. His greatest work ever. I haven't had this much fun since the Hindenburg. Clive Barnes (N.Y. Times) Graper's crowning glory. His pinnacle of success. Steve Martin's (as Bob) best dramatic performance ever. A must for anyone who loved "Lassie Come Home." Gene Shalit (NBC) Yours truly, Gandalf the Grey, Wizard