---------------------------------------- Note 32 NHS Band *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 10/21/79 9:00 pm tripp / udperuse / unidel whine/unidel 10/21/79 12:39 am graper/udperuse/unidel Dear Friends: Yes, I graduated from Newark High School. Several people know that now. One Newark High School type got all pissed off when I refused to buy one of their lousy subs for yet another Newark High School Band trip to somewhere and now someone's written "Doctor Graper sucks donkey dicks" on the tiles above the left urinal in the Music Building men's room. You girls out there probably don't understand the meaning of this at all. I mean, I used to be a janitor. I know. Universally, females always get the nicer bathrooms. Usually a couch somewhere in it, a table and maybe a couple chairs. Not for us guys. Uh uh. We've just got a tiled ceiling, four tiled walls and a tiled floor. It's like the designers of these things seemed to think of us as lab rats. And boy, you walk in there and everyone is pretty quiet, maybe two friends talking, and the place sounds like ---------------------------------------- Response 1 of 7 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 10/21/79 9:02 pm tripp / udperuse / unidel you're talking inside a cave and its in these depressingly bright colors like yellow or clinic white and many times, our___ side of the sexual fence doesn't get doors on the toilet stalls and never gets them on the urinals. Oh no. For some reason, we guys all love the camraderie of watching each other "do our stuff." I've seen it many times since being a janitor. Then they compound boredom with humiliation by leaving you only a blank wall to stare at while you stand there using the urinal. Christ, the least they could do is put artwork there or paste up some newspapers to look at. Otherwise, you've got to fight the temptation to, hmm hmm hmm, look around, maybe see what your neighbor's up to, dum dee dum, oh dee doh, remember to look away if he looks back. So what happens? Somebody writes "Dr. Graper sucks donkey dicks" up on that space above the urinal and now everybody gets a terrible first impression. But that strays from the main point. The Newark High School Yellowjacket Marching Band!! ---------------------------------------- Response 2 of 7 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 10/21/79 9:03 pm tripp / udperuse / unidel I went to Newark High School and was in the band for three days. I stopped showing up when I refused to march around like a mindless anus, a weird pseudo-British-Palace Guard fuzzy hat on my head and white buck shoes, wiggling my clarinet back and forth. "Look, Gra"per," the band director said, "everybody else is doing it!" We were standing out on the field, and I was being yelled at in front of everybody. This was done to exert group pressure on me and was a really effective technique of persuasion. "But what about those people in there?" I asked, pointing at the bandroom in the distance. In there, three bassoon players, an oboe player and a trumpet player in a wheelchair sat, practicing by themselves. "How come they don't have to march?" I asked. "Because bassoon and oboe aren't marching instuments!!" he said. His face was all hard. "But what about that guy. . ." "He's in a wheelchair!" ---------------------------------------- Response 3 of 7 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 10/21/79 9:03 pm tripp / udperuse / unidel "Well, I mean, if you're going to make me march around, you ought to use him too!!" "How the hell am I going to use a person who's in a wheelchair!" "Well, when we all march around on the field and spell out NEWARK HIGH, we can roll him out and use him to dot the 'i'." Admittedly in poor taste. "Look, Gra"per, you're in hot water already! You didn't show up for bandcamp and you haven't signed up for your uniform yet! Now get in your line and get in line!!" So, trying to be nice, I got into the line. The band-director climbed up on this funny ladder and began waving his arms. He had a bullhorn that he spoke through, which made him sound very____ powerful. "Alright, we're starting off with 'Theme from Love Story'. One Two Three Four!" Fellows with big drums started going "Bum bum bum bah bumbumda bumbum" again and again, and the band director began waving his arms up and down. ---------------------------------------- Response 4 of 7 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 10/21/79 9:05 pm tripp / udperuse / unidel I had forgetten (intentionally) to bring my clarinet, but I did have the music they issued me. Luckily, I did___ know the words to the song, so in place of my playing the clarinet I started to sing. Bum bum bum da bumbum dabumbum went the drums, and everybody started moving around. I held up my music. "Where does love begin? Can it be measured like the hours in a day?" I sang. Everybody kept marching around. The band director was shouting through the bullhorn. "NO! NO! RANK FOUR! GO ON THE THIRD BEAT!!" I was singing with real emotion now. A few gestures thrown in to demonstrate my feeling. Everybody started lining up then, and marching in place. Then, on some secret bum da bum confidential between the drum players and the clarinetists, they would turn ninety degrees and march off in yet another direction. Suddenly, it was my turn to march off in another direction. Bum da bum went my__ secret drumbeat, but it went ---------------------------------------- Response 5 of 7 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 10/21/79 9:05 pm tripp / udperuse / unidel unheard. TWEE TWEE went the band director's whistle. "GRA"PER!" he shouted, "You're supposed to make an Immerman turn on the fourth beat of the second triplet of the forty second measure!" He was red-faced. "Everyone, back in place. Take it from measure twenty!!" TWEE TWEE TWEE TWEE, bum bum bum da bumbum dabumbum went everything again, and once again over a hundred people started stomping around to the most militant version of "The Theme to Love Story" known to man. Boy, did I ever wish I had taken up the bassoon. Once again, the moment of truth arrived when I was supposed to start marching off on some weird tangent. When the secret beat came to me this time, though, I was prepared. I walked off at a curt 73o angle and started marching with the tubas. The band director started TWEE TWEEing again, and yelled so loud through the bullhorn that it sounded like ---------------------------------------- Response 6 of 7 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 10/21/79 9:07 pm tripp / udperuse / unidel a fuzzbox. Only two words were semi-distinguishable. One was "Gra"per" and the other was "idiot." Then he said he wanted me to come up front where he was so that he could yell at me some more, and I told him to do something nasty with sexual overtones and walked off the field and got put in detention for about two weeks. My brother went and had a good time in their stage band and became good friends with the band director, so our family's name was not stained, thank god. Your Friend, Dr. Graper ---------------------------------------- Response 7 of 7 12/20/79 7:36 pm erik downey / seminars / unidel Dr. Graper, I totally agree with you for not buying one of those God-awfull subs from the band. I got one once and let me tell you the wrapping tasted better!