---------------------------------------- Note 28 some more *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 8/24/79 6:05 pm graper / udperuse / unidel TALES OF THE AUTO DEALERSHIP [Cheap television commercial] [Ancient recording of "Red River Valley" plays in background with lots of noise and skips] [Narrator is wearing cowboy hat] . . .Hi, this is Dave from two Daves and a Dan's Chevy/Buick OK People's Auto Market, here to tell you that we're having a great sale, a terrific sale on all these cars. It hurts us, but we've got to get rid of 'em, yes, everything must go by twelve o'clock, Sunday night! [Holds up toy clock which reads twelve o'clock] [Narrator is suddenly superimposed over stock footage of rodeo cowboy bouncing up and down on bucking bronco] ---------------------------------------- Response 1 of 17 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 8/24/79 6:10 pm graper / udperuse / unidel This is our Wild West Chevy/Buick Roundup week, and it's a good time to hogtie some big, BIG savings! Come on down, we're open from 9 in the morning to ten at night, every day. We'll be giving out free balloons, my roomate here will be giving Chevy/Buick stunt demonstrations in the showroom and there'll be donkey rides for the children! Bring the whole family down to 18-A O'Daniel Avenue, Victoria Mews Apartments, just off Elkton Road next to the Maryland/Delaware border! *** "Not quite what I expected," my roommate said. We were sitting in the kitchen, watching the television. The television used to be in the living room of the apartment until we converted it into the showroom. That took a lot of work. "Well, you can't get discouraged so fast," I said. Nobody had come to the grand opening of our Wild West Chevy/Buick Roundup Week, and we had sat out on the front ---------------------------------------- Response 2 of 17 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 8/24/79 6:11 pm graper / udperuse / unidel lawn of our apartment all day long. You see, working as a computer programmer wasn't getting me quite enough money, so my roommates and I had decided to open up a little home business, operating out of our apartment. Reupholstering furniture or selling AMCO products didn't appeal to us, since I didn't like furniture and AMCO was such a big fascist international home products corporation, so we decided to open up a Whole Earth Organic People's Chevy/Buick Dealership. We were using the front lawn of our apartment building as our lot right then and the living room as the showroom. We had one Chevy Chevette in the showroom, and about five Buick LeSabres out in the front yard. "I wonder if the helium will go bad?" my roommate asked, looking at the fifty balloons on the kitchen ceiling with "Two Daves 'n' a Dan Chevy Buick" handwritten on the sides with felt tip pens. We had spent over two hours making those. "I'm wondering about the donkey." ---------------------------------------- Response 3 of 17 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 8/24/79 6:13 pm graper / udperuse / unidel We had the donkey outside, tied to the elm tree in front. He was going to be used for the donkey rides if any families brought their kids. "What's to wonder about?" "How long did we rent him for?" "Seven days." "I wonder if it's in the contract that we have to feed it." "I don't think you have to feed donkeys," he said, looking into the refrigerator. "Oh. Just as well." Far above, 50,000 feet in the air, a Russian LUKA-356 was flying at 312 miles per hour. In it's belly was a thirty megaton bomb. "Borshka Derontivich," one said through his leather gas mask. I don't think they actually wear them, but it is a convenient prop to mumble up his voice. "Orska?" the navigator asked. ---------------------------------------- Response 4 of 17 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 8/24/79 6:46 pm graper / udperuse / unidel "Brishinka Dastoi! Borshka Derontivich, Malchik!" the pilot said again. He took off his leather mask this time to make himself more clear. He was pointing at the ground going by outside the window. It was going by very fast. He was saying, "Look, down there! A Chevy/Buick dealership!" and, by the time the navigator finally heard him through that leather gas mask thing, it had passed by. The pilot was slightly annoyed by that, and sullenly returned to flying the plane. I have been told, by quite reliable sources, that too many of my stories have nuclear explosions in them. This is a valid criticism. The LUKA-356 kept flying, far above, past Delaware and down along the coast until it went into the Bermuda Triangle and never returned and the Russians never acknowledged their existence and that's the end of that. Only one person on the entire planet earth, besides ---------------------------------------- Response 5 of 17 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 8/24/79 6:50 pm graper / udperuse / unidel my roomate and I, was watching our Wild West Chevy/Buick savings roundup commercial. His name was Mark Penner. He had a 75 Malibu deluxe with a fuzzy carpeted interior and an eight track tape player that would keep jamming. He was in his home, watching the strange channel 29 movie that the Chevy/Buick commercial was imbedded in called "Pigface." It was a story about a criminal. When he saw the incredible savings he could have on a blue sedan model Buick LeSabre, he was interested. He thought he would trade in his Malibu for it, rip out the eight track and carpeting and put them in his new sedan. Incidentally, Mark had dropped out of high school and had been mentally abused by his stepfather, a classical pianist. "Brummmm" he said. He made car sounds a lot. Then, at the end of he commercial, he found out the dealership's hours and got very excited. It was almost closing time right then!! And the dealership was so close!! He got very excited, and the dried sweat on the tank top ---------------------------------------- Response 6 of 17 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 8/24/79 6:55 pm graper / udperuse / unidel undershirt he wore got refreshed as he quickly paced around the room. He sweat a lot, too. He stepped on a lot of newspapers and stuff as he paced around, since they were scattered all over the floor. "Lessee, the Malibu, money, charge, rent, pay, dollar," he mumbled to himself. He shut off the TV and jumped into his waiting Malibu. "Hot damn, trading in you baby now!" he said to the car, wheeling out on the street where he lived. He was headed for Victoria Mews' Organic People's Chevy/Buick Dealership. Driving down the highway, he saw, coming up in the distance, a big sign. It said, "BURGERS & FRIES" in loud yellow and red letters, pulling at his eyeballs like a magnet. "Burgers. . .fries. . ." he mumbled to himself, salivating. He slammed down on the accelerator and raced to the Burger joint. He walked inside, shoulders swaying in the way he had learned to sway them from inumerable Burger jaunts in ---------------------------------------- Response 7 of 17 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 8/24/79 6:57 pm graper / udperuse / unidel high school, and he approached the counter. "I wanna Burger, fries and a cuppa coke wanna," he said to the cheery female attendant. "Alright sir, is it for here or to go?" He said nothing. Up against every wall, he saw old friends from high school, paunched and sagging, sucking fluid sugar from cardboard cups and chewing thoughtlessly on industrial grade cud. They stared down at their tables, sickened of each other and themselves, and behind each and every one of them was a bright poster in fluorescent colors depicting a happy human in perfect health eating the same food they were consuming. "Sir? Will it be for here or to go?" Mark looked at the attendant. She was pretty, just like the posters. Everyone selling the stuff looked great. Everyone on that____ side of the counter looked content. Large thoughts began to go through Mark's meager brain. They were frighteningly large, and thinking them was as painful to his little mind as it would be painful to be force fed a whole watermelon at once. ---------------------------------------- Response 8 of 17 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 8/24/79 7:00 pm graper / udperuse / unidel "Sir?" "I see it now! You're part of the conspiracy! A conspiracy to dupe the people . . .maintaining the long held boundry between the exploiters and the exploited! Realizing your ineffectual stance in a rapidly modernizing electronically global society, fearing the realization by the masses of your oppression, you channel the people into public food troughs, draining them of not only their health but their money as well by lavishly overcharging the sugared water and wood pulp you call food! The worst part of your oppression is the forced inculcation, by the people, of your warped value systems rendering them in a state of perpetual self-hate!" "Sir? Is it for here or to. . ." "Then, oh, you allow the masses to relieve this feeling of guilt through channels, designed by you, that keep your power elite class in power and also produce more guilt to be tapped again and again, in a limitless source of human power through the utter destruction of humanity! ---------------------------------------- Response 9 of 17 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 8/24/79 7:02 pm graper / udperuse / unidel The manager had come around front by this time, after calling the police. People were staring at Mark. "Come along, now, there are other customers," the manager said. The manager touched Mark on the arm and Mark jerked suddenly away. This was going to be a nasty scene. These huge turds of thoughts in Mark's brain had so suddenly come together that they were crowding in on other parts of his brain. "Don't touch me, you bastard!" he shouted, "I have decided to become a Trotskyite Marxist!" "Look, why don't you just get out now. The police are on their way" the manager said in a pseudo-calm voice. "Hah! The Police? The guardians of the people? The guardians of the status quo!!" Mark shouted. The manager backed off, genuinely frightened. A young 17 year old employee named Straub, who was a real dolt, decided to act like a hero so that he would become famous at his high school. He had just come in from sweeping the front of the big Burger place when he came ---------------------------------------- Response 10 of 17 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 8/24/79 7:05 pm graper / udperuse / unidel upon this interesting scene with Mark. He had a big broom with a 1 inch thick wooden dowel rod on it, screwed into a big wood and metal brush base. He unscrewed it outside, brought the dowel in, and quietly came up behind Mark. Then, using the dowel like a baseball bat, wacked Mark on the right temple hard enough for the dowel to break. Mark, in high school and before, had been in so many altercations with folks that his head was used to taking stuff like that. This time, however, it only served to cause a rupture of two hundred and eight little caristrionic arteries on the inside of his skull, which released large amounts of blood into the cerebral fluid and would cause death in fifteen minutes. Even if he was in a hospital, nothing could be done for him now. Reeling from the shock, Mark's brain issued a system message to his body: FIFTEEN MINUTES REMAINING. Straub, knowing full well that his girlfriend Julie the french-frier was watching, lept on Mark's back and ---------------------------------------- Response 11 of 17 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 8/24/79 7:06 pm graper / udperuse / unidel held back his arms. "Get a hold of him, Mike!" he shouted, his little Burger cap falling off dramatically. Mike was the manager. Mike made a feeble attempt to get a hold of Mark, but didn't have a chance. Mark's glands had just squeezed themselves dry when they got the message from the brain and all sorts of high powered chemicals were swimming around in his bloodstream. Mark threw Straub onto the counter and then lept to the counter himself. "People of Delaware, listen to me! You are being repressed!" But he could not continue his rhetoric. Straub pulled his foot out from under him. Mark fell on the computer-terminal cash register. No one was at the controls, since everyone had congregated to the rear of the store. Straub was thinking about how great this was going to sound in school tomorrow. "Alright, you bastard, come on!" he said, looking at Mark like some wrestler. Mark laughed at this. "You puny fool, even when ---------------------------------------- Response 12 of 17 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 8/24/79 7:07 pm graper / udperuse / unidel provided with the answer, you refuse to listen! You deserve your own fate!" Straub looked mean at Mark and then jumped on him. Mark caught him in midair and held him. "Let's get this over with, son," he said in a serious voice. Straub could not move. He was in a biologic vise. Oh, this is terrible. Mark carried Straub over to the deep fat french frying machine and paused for a moment to look at its flashing lights. "Technology," he said, musing. Right then, Straub manuevered himself into a position to kick Mark quite heartily in the testicles. Mark quickly shifted his attention back to Straub. ELEVEN MINUTES his brain said. It was beginning to react to the blood in the cerebral fluid. "This hurts me more than you, son," Mark said. Then, casting a smiling glance at a poster above the french frying machine with the words, "We make 'em ---------------------------------------- Response 13 of 17 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 8/24/79 7:08 pm graper / udperuse / unidel golden brown!", he held Straub aloft, turned him upside down and stuck his head into the high-temperature oil. Lots of bubbles started burbling all around where he had stuck him in, and a big sizzling sound came out. In five seconds, he pulled him out and said to Straub's now altered face, "We make 'em golden brown! We make 'em golden brown!" My goodness, this has gotten ugly. Straub would certainly be the talk of the high school the next day, that was for sure. The violence Mark was capable of was incredible. Incredibly ugly. Let's go outside. The police had shown up, and the manager (a pretty smart guy in this respect) was waiting for them in the parking lot. "That guy in there's berserk!" he said to the two officers. They parked their car, pulled their guns and ran hunched over towards the main door. Just as they reached it, everything went dark ---------------------------------------- Response 14 of 17 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 8/24/79 7:10 pm graper / udperuse / unidel inside. Mark had pulled the main switch. Employees and people in the burger joint began streaming out of every opening. "Come on out, you've got nowhere to go!" a policeman shouted over the loudspeaker on the police car's roof. Mark sat smiling in the burger joint's basement, his demonic face lit up by his disposable plastic cigarette lighter. Next to him was a worn sign over a pipe which said, "Delaware Natural Gas: Installed 4/5/67______." It also also said that it delivered natural gas at forty cubic feet per minute. He had turned on the gas upstairs in the confusion, and had come down here to open up the gas main as far as it would go. A next-to-last systems message raced through his brain: "ONE MINUTE REMAINING" He smiled, clutching the tiny ignition wheel on his disposable lighter, smelling the gas starting to come down to the basement. ---------------------------------------- Response 15 of 17 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 8/24/79 7:12 pm graper / udperuse / unidel Another valid criticism of my writing is that, not only do I have far too many stories with nuclear explosions in them, but far too many stories with explosions of any sort. Probably some sort of clue to an underlying mental problem. HONK HONK!! went a new 1980 Camaro GT with headers and side blowers and triple beam suspension, parked by the Burger joint's drive-thru window. There were two humans inside, one male, one female. Loud rock and roll music played inside. "Hey! Service!!" the male shouted at the dark window. He was displeased; the place wasn't supposed to be closed for half and hour yet! ---------------------------------------- Response 16 of 17 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 8/24/79 7:20 pm graper / udplatox / unidel Incomprehensive to this, he began reciting a string of words into the outdoor microphone that could easily become his country's national anthem: "I wanna large coke, A couple big burgers, some fries, A medium shake, and two 'Hot Apple Pies'!" The darkened drive-thru window answered him with a sudden blast of shattered glass and steel-tube institutional furniture. Bwam-o! Once again, the commercial for our Chevy Buick dealership came on in the movie. Channel 29 was a cheap station, that was for sure. "Pigface," the lead actor in the movie by the same name, had been interrupted right in the middle of a sentence when they cut to a commercial. "Hey, Molly, what's this I hear about. . . . CUT. . . . . .Hi, this is Dave from two Daves and a Dan's Chevy/Buick ---------------------------------------- Response 17 of 17 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 8/24/79 7:21 pm graper / udplatox / unidel OK People's Auto Market, here to tell you that we're . ." It was 12:47 am. Pigface was a very dull movie. Both my roomate and I were asleep. That was why we couldn't hear the donkey. The neighborhood dogs had torn it apart and eaten it. All that was left when "Pigface" came to an end was a well picked skull and the ratty blanket with "PEDRO" stitched on the sides. The second day of the Wild West Chevy/Buick Peoples' Organic Whole Earth Savings Roundup had begun.