----------------------------------- Note 18 92973 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 3/12/79 2:58 pm graper / newauth / unidel Dear Friends: What's the use, man. I mean, just between you and me, you know what I mean, it's pretty hopeless. I . . .I. . . .forget it. I go to the student employment office and tell the fellow, "I need a job," and he gives me this big book full of job listings. . . . WANTED: Young, interested college youth to sell stereo equipment! No necessary. . . I slam the book shut, and open it on another page. WANTED: Well groomed young men or women interested in security work. Three officers required for campus security team. Must know campus rather well. Wow. Clad in blue serge, billyclub swaying suggest- ively from my gun belt, striding confidently down the street ---------------------------------------- Response 1 of 8 3/12/79 3:05 pm graper / newauth / unidel with a swagger. I put on my mirror glasses, my shiny silver badge and my gestapo jack boots and kick and boot my way through student pot parties, gaining big prestige and finally ending up as a detective or something. . . . .must be WELL-GROOMED. . . . the article answers back. That means cutting your hair to a "reasonable" length, having to shave regularly and even wear JCPenneys corduroy slacks that would make funny sounds when you walk in them. . . .UNIVERSITY JOB: $4.75 an hour. . . another one says. Four seventy five! Why, I'd be able to afford a big american car with that kind of money! . . .$4.75 an hour hauling radioactive waste from Physics Lab to. . . ---------------------------------------- Response 2 of 8 3/12/79 3:12 pm graper / newauth / unidel enough of that. Flitting through the pages, all that shows up is one impossible job after another. No jobs for comedy scriptwriters or humorous poets or anything. WANTED: College student to work at Burger Barn. . . WANTED: College student to work at Burger Bin. . . WANTED: College student to work at Burger Barge. . WANTED: College student to work at Burger Brazier. Uh uh, man. No more burger joints. Working with food is dangerous stuff. WANTED: Must be Business Major. . . WANTED: Must be Nursing Major. . . WANTED: Must be Accounting Major. . . WANTED: Must be Chemical Engineering student. . . Each page brings new heartache. Practically every page might as well be a blank sheet. I am unmarketable. "Are you done with that book yet?" a female in a ---------------------------------------- Response 3 of 8 3/12/79 3:20 pm graper / newauth / unidel Sears three piece pants suit asks. She has fifteen telephone numbers written on a piece of paper that the people at the employment office give you to write telephone numbers on. Twelve of them have the words "Excellent chance" written alongside. She is a Business major. "I'm a communications major," I say to her. It's not really worth that much, but perhaps it might. . . "That's nice. Are you through with the book yet?" She is a business major. She wants the book. She has spent the last four years of her life taking courses in how to do things like get books away from communication majors. She has studied well. "Here you go." She takes the book, opens it and squeals with happiness after looking at the first page. She writes a whole bunch of other telephone numbers. Up on the wall is a big poster. JOIN THE ARMY it shouts, and has a picture of a negro female operating a computer terminal. ---------------------------------------- Response 4 of 8 3/12/79 3:34 pm graper / newauth / unidel Another book frees up and I begin looking through it. WANTED: Engineers. . . WANTED: Greek Majors needed for tutelage. . . A college education is a strange thing. I leave, leaving the book open for another three piece suit. Outside, a man with the initials IBM on his coat pocket is smiling and pointing at pages of script. A fe- male comes up to me and asks, "Is that the guy from IBM?" I have long hair, round wire frame glasses and a voice that's too loud. "Is that the guy from IBM?" "That is the guy from LSD," I answer. Yuck, what a terrible comment. But it merely had to be said. Everybody heard it. The man from IBM smiles cooly and continues talking. "Let's see how smart-assed that guy is when he's out looking for a job!" he thinks. I know what he thinks. ---------------------------------------- Response 5 of 8 3/12/79 3:42 pm graper / newauth / unidel That's the guy from LSD That's the guy from LSD Boy, what a raunchy comment. Really, man, right out of a late-night sixties movie about the sixties. The employment office is a labyrinth of funny narrow doorways and crowded hallways of offended people, all very pissed off that I'm wearing a great big backpack and blocking the way and moving too slowly The exit. A woman opens the door and I step out in front of her. She doesn't like holding doors open for males. "Well, thank you!" she says sarcastically. Looking into her mind is terrible. She is a bus- iness major. She would like to have sex with rich, ugly district bank managers. Deep inside one of her accounting books is a list of telephone numbers. "Huh?" I say. She stands on the other side of the doorway, looking through the window at me. She would like to see me get a fatal injection of Curare as part of a nationwide program to get rid of people who are not ---------------------------------------- Response 6 of 8 3/12/79 3:53 pm graper / newauth / unidel business majors and who do not wear color coordinated clothing. She says something to me from her side of the closed door. It is a mild American obscenity. A college education is a strange thing. Walking down the street, past the old pharmacy, the telephone in front rings. A public telephone, with red spray paint emblazoned brightly across the front. I can tell you why___ it's there! "Hello?" "-bzz-Is Fred there?" "Ah. . .yeah. This is him." "Hey, can you wait 'til four?" "Can't see why not." "What about Mary?" "I'll pick her up later." "Great. So, what about the car?" "Ah, it's. . . . ." "What?" "I'm . . .I'm not a business major. I am un- ---------------------------------------- Response 7 of 8 3/12/79 3:54 pm graper / newauth / unidel marketable. I am sorry." "What? Fred?" You've just got to hang up on people like that. Things are very perturbing. Be Seeing you, Dr. Graper ---------------------------------------- Response 8 of 8 3/16/79 4:22 pm criste / udperuse / unidel Dear Doctor, The University also has openings (at $4.00_____/hour!) for employment in the Art Department. A College Education isn't needed for this job... Can you see yourself as a nude model? Imagine twenty college sophmores capturing you in charcoal. Love, Your Friend