--------------------------------------- Note 5 Other Side *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/7/77 3:39 pm tripp / unidel (wooooo-dwadwadwa-Ptwangptwangptwang) [Electronic Music] Where am I? Hmm. I just get this feeling of pain and then, whizz, down this huge tunnel with flashing lights and plump, here in the darkness. Good day, Mr. Graper Oh, hello. We've been waiting for you. How long? Years. Years? Yup. How you feeling? OK. Where is this? This is the other side. The other side of what? Life. . .mortality. . .human existence Oh. ---------------------------------------- Response 1 of 16 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/10/77 5:56 pm lynch / unidel Just a moment and it'll be your turn My turn to what? You'll see. Bye bye Uh, OK, see you Hmm. [Grandiose organ music, reminiscent of later Baroque stuff] [Small rectangle in darkness lights up] X: Come in, Dr. Graper G: OK [Dr. walks thru light doorway] [Rinky tink piano music, sounds of unruly crowd] X: Dr. Graper? G: Excuse me, it's just that I need to get accustomed to the light. X: Oh, alright. ---------------------------------------- Response 2 of 16 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/10/77 5:58 pm lynch / unidel [Dr gets accustomed to light, looks around, sees 1870's cowboy barroom scene. Bar is filled, man addressing him is dressed as cowboy, black waxed mustache, black hat, black clothes, etc.] X: Accustomed now? G: Yes. Who are you? X: Satan G: Wow X: God will be by in a while. Sit down, have a drink. G: OK (has a drink) X: Dr. Graber, as you probably have surmised, you are dead. G: Spfft (spits up drink) WHAT?? X: Dead, Dr. Graper. G: How long? X: I can't really say; I don't keep up with the trivia of the game. But if you are here, then you are dead. ---------------------------------------- Response 3 of 16 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/10/77 6:02 pm lynch / unidel G: Where is "here?" X: The "Other Side" saloon. (Looks around behind him) Nice place, you must admit. G: I want another drink. (Satan smiles, pours him another drink, then pushes bottle towards doctor) X: Sure, drink all you want. You can't get drunk. G: (Stops drinking) No? X: No, you can only get drunk when you're alive. G: Oh (pushes bottle away) (Piano is tinnily playing, "Oh, dem Golden Slippers" again and again, two cowboys start to argue) C1: I says, "Oh dem Golden Slippers" was written by Stephen Foster! C2: And I says, it was written by . . .(cut short by punch in the mouth, sending him reeling to the floor) (Crowd rollicks with laughter) ---------------------------------------- Response 4 of 16 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/10/77 6:03 pm lynch / unidel C1: Ha ha ha ha, why don't you go home li'l boy? Yer Mammy'd whup ya if she knew you was here. C2: Why, you (Throws a punch, misses, gets hit in mid- section by other cowboy, falls back onto table where Dr. Graper and Satan are sitting, table splinters like all Old West furniture does) (Crowd laughs even louder) C2: Why, you. . .you. . .you done dirtied my fine white shirt! C1: Mammy's Boy!! Mammy's boy!! Doctor: Is he alright? Satan : Don't worry. He can take care of himself Doctor: But everybody's picking on the poor fellow. Satan : (Sips whiskey) Don't worry. (Brushes wood splinters from busted table off his lap) ---------------------------------------- Response 5 of 16 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/10/77 6:04 pm lynch / unidel C1: Mammy's Boy! Mammy's boy! (All crowd joins in chant) C2: Shut up! SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU! (Crowd chant continues) Alright, you bastards! [Wild, violent organ music] [Picked on Cowboy holds hands to sky, lightning outside flashes, thunder rumbles, sudden crack, flash of light, scream and BWAM where the bullying cowboy once stood remains a smoldering burnt french-frie] [Silence] (Crowd huddled together, frozen in fear) C2: (Leaning over and speaking to the french frie on the blackened floor) Mammy's boy, am I? (Turns to the crowd) Well, come on, play that piano again!! (Piano begins to play again) Doc: Wow. Sat: Indeed. ---------------------------------------- Response 6 of 16 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/10/77 6:06 pm lynch / unidel Doc: You've got some strange people here. Sat: You could say that (plays with mustache) Doc: Well, what happens now? Sat: Well, if God will stop singing with the piano, we can get underway. (Points to the picked-on cowboy who now stands with arm atop the piano, singing "Oh dem Golden Slippers" hideously out of tune) Doc: That was God who did all that? Sat: Yup. Look, I think he's coming. (Cowboy notices the Dr. and Satan sitting in the corner, excuses himself from the crowd and goes over to where they are sitting) God: Howdy, Pardner! Sat: Cut the shit, God, you can't play a cowboy right and you know it. God: Oh Yeah? ---------------------------------------- Response 7 of 16 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/10/77 6:08 pm lynch / unidel Sat: Here he goes, into one of his assinine "Oh Yeah?" arguments. Doc: Ahhh. . . God: Oh Yeah? Well, you're not so hot as "Black Bart" yourself! Sat: That I will admit. But at least I don't get into fights where I have to cosmically french frie folks. God: Well look, I said last week, "Hey Lucifer, Doc Graper's gonna be popping over sometime next week, so hows about we plan something a little special for him." Sat: . . .and I said, "No, let's just run him through the usual celestial judgement scene." God: Yeah, but you KNEW he wouldn't do anything INTERESTING if we did that! Doc: Ahhhh. . . Sat: Alright, you were right there, but I was opposed to this "Wild West" crap from the start!! God: I didn't work 'cause you didn't even TRY! ---------------------------------------- Response 8 of 16 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/10/77 6:09 pm lynch / unidel Sat: Look, remember, I said we should do something along the lines of a Gestapo questioning technique . . . God: Oh yeah, great, we tie the Dr. down then pull out his testicles and try to make him talk. . . that's a REALLY great way to get him to do funny things. You certainly wouldn't be a funny guy in that situation, would you Doc? Doc: Ahh, I guess not. . . Sat: Still, he wasn't all that funny here, either. . . God: It's because you didn't even try!!! Sat: I did too. God: Did not! Howcum you didn't do anything but just sit there, sipping whiskey and acting bored. Sat: Because I WAS bored. Doc: Ahh, what is the ultimate point of this whole affair? God: What? ---------------------------------------- Response 9 of 16 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/10/77 6:11 pm lynch / unidel Sat: He wants to know about the heaven and hell thing. God: Oh. Sat: Well, it's totally up to you. Doc: Me? Sat: Yup. Doc: Ahh, what do you mean, "It's totally up to me?" God: Just what he said. You get to go to heaven or hell. Doc: My choice? Sat: Absolutely. Doc: I don't understand. Aren't you going to throw all my deeds in the balance of time or some such thing and look through my past to see all the times I didn't go to church. . . Sat: So you can squeal for forgiveness on the floor and whimper and cry and beg for another chance? No. Doc: I just choose one or another? God: Yup (takes a drink) ---------------------------------------- Response 10 of 16 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/10/77 6:12 pm lynch / unidel Sat: Here (reaches in his pocket) you can flip a coin on it. Doc: Do I have to flip a coin? Sat: (Putting coin back in pocket) No. Doc: What's the difference? Sat: Between heaven and hell? God: Of course, you idiot. Sat: Not much of a difference, really. In Heaven, you exist on a weird dimensional plane and study French grammar for all eternity. Doc: And hell? Sat: Hell is going back to earth. Doc: That doesn't sound too bad. God: (Standing suddenly upright and shouting) What's wrong with French grammar? Doc: Nothing, I guess. ---------------------------------------- Response 11 of 16 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/10/77 6:14 pm lynch / unidel Sat: Well, in your case, like in all cases, we put you in an interesting suitable position in past history. Doc: Interesting. Sat: With you, it would be a jester in Henry II's court. Doc: Interesting. Sat: You do have a third alternative. Doc: What's that? Sat: Remain on the other side. Doc: You mean, stay here. Sat: Not really just HERE, but any other place you might want to go. Like this for instance. . . ---------------------------------------- Response 12 of 16 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/10/77 6:15 pm lynch / unidel [The three are seated in a broad English meadow. In the background, young knights are practicing jousting] Sat: This is a rather peaceful one. And there are hundreds of others. Millions and trillions of possibilities. Doc: Fascinating. God: OH!! OH!! LET ME SHOW HIM MY FAVORITE! Doc: What? Sat: Well, after a while on the other side, you get to prefer some favorite places. Doc: I see. . . God: Here we go. . . ---------------------------------------- Response 13 of 16 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/10/77 6:16 pm lynch / unidel [Suddenly the three find themselves on a one-dimensional plane, with a painted blue sky and painted green ground. Then, from behind a rise comes a Dr. Seuss character] Doc: This is a Dr. Seuss book. Sat: Yup. Sat: This is probably my favorite too. It's a very popular number with the folks around here. Look over there. . . [There, riding atop a Clangaroo from Timbucktu comes Adolf Hitler, waving happily] Doc: Amazing. . . ah, this is all well and good, but when can I make my choice? God: Right now, if you want. Doc: Alright. Umm, do you think I could try one and then another? God: Sorry, all choices are final. ---------------------------------------- Response 14 of 16 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/10/77 6:17 pm lynch / unidel Doc: OK. I'll go back as a jester in King Henry II's court. God: Oh good! Then you'll be coming back again! Next time, I promise there'll be a much more interesting other side for you to come into. Sat: Well, we'll try. God: OK, now, all you have to do is click your heels together and say, "There's no place like home" again and again. Doc: Ahh, OK. (Dr. performs the required motion) (Pffzng-bip-bloop-zow) [More Electronic Music] ---------------------------------------- Response 15 of 16 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/10/77 6:18 pm lynch / unidel (Entire court is rolling with laughter) King: Oh, verrily, upon my soul, thou art the funniest jester in the land! Doc : Ahhh, oh, yes! Hahahaha, yes, sire. One more story before I go. . . (Crowd quiets, listens intently) (Fade back to view of entire room) (Fade back to view of castle) (Ground view of castle, peasants outside working in field) (Wild volley of laughter from castle, peasants turn heads to look, then turn back to work) ---------------------------------------- Response 16 of 16 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/10/77 6:27 pm lynch / unidel The End