---------------------------------------- Note 25 m1(buffer)start *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/27/78 7:35 pm dr graper / udag "I tell you, he will return!" the old sage shouted from the front of the palace. "Begone, old fart, you make me ill with your rantings!" and with that, one of the suitors threw a leg of chicken at the sage, knocking him on the head. All the other suitors laughed. Upstairs, the fair Penelope sat crying with her handmaidens. "Oh, woe is me," she whimpered, "So long ago did my love depart on his odyssey. So long has it been since I have seen him." "But m'lady, he is surely dead by now," a sympa- thetic handmaiden said. "NO!" the lady Penelope shouted, "I refuse to be- lieve it!" "Nonetheless, m'lady, the suitors wait your promised hand. THEY believe your love has died, and wish marriage with you. Please believe, m'lady, your love died in the battle for Troy!" "No! No! A thousand times no!!" Penelope shouted, nearly ripping her toga dress. ---------------------------------------- Response 1 of 23 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/27/78 7:40 pm dr graper / udag "Aye, he will return," said the sage, appearing from a corner of the queen's bedroom. "I saw it in the clouds." "Shut-up, evil Lynch! You only torment the queen!" "Nay, shuttest thou self up, slave, for I saw his boat returning in the sky, returning from his odyssey!!!" The queen ran to the sage and fell at his feet, "Didst thou really?" "Aye." Then, from below in the palace, the sound of the angry suitors arose. They were growing impatient. "M'lady!" one handmaiden cried, "The suitors wish to begin the contest at once or they will tear the palace to bits." Penelope looked at the sage, then turned crying towards the door. "Let the contest begin," she said haltingly. * * * * * * * ---------------------------------------- Response 2 of 23 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/27/78 7:47 pm dr graper / udag There were over 100 suitors desiring the hand of fair Penelope, and all were waiting on the palace grounds to compete in the contest that she had devised to choose her proper husband. "The contest is as such," Penelope shouted to the mass of men, "He whoever can string the bow of my lost lover and then shoot an arrow through a ring sitting on the top of that tree over there. . ." "What tree?" one of the suitors shouted. "That one!" Penelope shouted, pointing to a tree about a mile and a half away. "How the hell are we supposed to do that?" "My long lost lover could!!" "Bullshit!!" the men all shouted. "He could!! None of you has the balls, that's all! Come on!" So grudgingly, a few men stepped forward and tried to string the bow. All failed. "Jesus Christ, what's this bow made of, anyway? Tempered steel? NOBODY could string THIS bow!!" said ---------------------------------------- Response 3 of 23 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/27/78 7:53 pm dr graper / udag Mark Penner of Crete. "Let me try." Out of the crowd of men, a small,old robed figure appeared. "He surely cannot do it," all the men cried out. But, amazingly enough, he strung the bow. The crowd of suitors drew a breath. Then, taking an arrow, he shot precisely through the ring on the tree from that ridiculous distance. "Incredible," all the suitors cried. "Only one man could do that," Penelope said. "Aye," said the nearby sage, "and he would have to be. . ." "DR. GRAPER, HOME FROM HIS ODYSSEY!!" the figure shouted out, ripping aside the robe. "It is he! He has returned!" all the suitors cried, frozen in fright. "So ho, try marrying MY wife while I'm not around, will you?? Well, take that, whiner!!" ---------------------------------------- Response 4 of 23 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/27/78 8:02 pm dr graper / udag With this, he . . .oh well, let's leave out all the poetic violence. You can just say that all the 150 men died in really disgusting but justified agony, with this one guy getting his eyeballs poked out with a rusty shoehorn in color in detail so explicit that you'd be amazed that they only gave this epic a "G" rating. A lot of the family viewers in the audience pack up and go at this point, saying, "Well, I NEVER, I thought this was going to be such a nice picture but I certainly wouldn't want little Jimmy to have nightmares about this stuff oh you certainly can't tell what a picture's going to be like by the ratings these days.." and her high shrill voice fades out of the theater. But you keep watching, since you read in the NEWSWEEK review that there were going to be some REALLY HOT SCENES coming up. The violence comes to an end, with Dr. Graper standing triumphant, bloody shoehorn in one hand and Penelope in another. "Ah, Penelope." "Ah, Dr. Graper." ---------------------------------------- Response 5 of 23 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/27/78 8:10 pm dr graper / udag "I am home from my Odyssey, Penelope. It has been twelve years." "Twelve years since I have looked into your eyes, dear Dr. Graper." "Twelve years. . .since. . . (Close-up on Dr. Graper's face, twisting into sweaty grin. We know what that means.) [Fade up lovely string music] [Dissolve from close-up to picture of Dr. Graper carrying Penelope up the stairs to bedroom. Lots of sudden close ups on the two looking at each other longingly, lots of string music] [Cut to picture of Dr. Graper, once gentle and suave, kicking open the door to the bedroom and throwing Penelope on bed] [Dr. rips off all clothing. Back is to camera, so it's much more "art-ish", screams in wild primal tone and leaps onto bed] ---------------------------------------- Response 6 of 23 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/27/78 8:15 pm dr graper / udag "Oh no you don't" "WHAT DO YOU MEAN????" Dr. Graper screams in frustration. "First I want to hear about your odyssey." "My ODYSSEY?? WOMAN, IT'S BEEN 12 YEARS!!" "Odyssey first, then . . ." "AHHHRRGHRGRHHH!! " "Don't be childish!" [Dr. quiets down, falls frustrated onto bed] "Well?" "Well what?" "Are you going to tell me of your odyssey or not?" "Grrhrrg" "Alright, I'll start it for you. Twelve years ago, I left my home. "Twelve years ago, I left my home. . . ---------------------------------------- Response 7 of 23 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/27/78 8:21 pm dr graper / udag or was it yesterday. Hell if I know, but Jesus, I'd sure like to write something on the PLATO terminal today My goodness. Well, I'd better get going (Check watch) It's that late?? Christ almighty! (Opens up closet door) Hmm. Which will I be today. Ah, here! (Chooses a plain flannel suit out of his wardrobe) This will do fine. They sure won't suspect me in this. And now for my papers. (Gets forged papers out of top drawer of a cabinet) Can't be too sure nowadays. Let's see, who am I supposed to be today (looks at name on papers) Mark Penner, eh? That's a nice name. Well, Mark Penner it is [Dresses quickly, leaves house, walks into Newark Delaware] [No one is on the streets, town is completely deserted] [Pieces of paper blow across the empty sidewalks] ---------------------------------------- Response 8 of 23 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/27/78 8:28 pm dr graper / udag [Up ahead, see huge building with PLATO written in big neon letters on side, two NAZI University Security guards stand outside the huge steel doors] Better act straight, man. These guys are real turds. [Walks up to guards] Guard 1: Ihre Papiere, bitte. Dr. G : Hier. (Hands guard his papers) Guard 1: Danke. (Guard scrutinizes papers) Hier, Herr Penner, Sie konnen durchpassen. Dr. G : Danke sehr. [Dr. G enters door, leaving guards behind. Nervously, he walks down hall. Then, from behind, the door opens again] Guard 2: HALT!! [Dr. G stops] [The guard walks up to him] Guard 2: Haben Sie dieser Man schon gesehen? [Hands Dr. Graper a picture of an artist's sketch of a currently sought criminal. Under the picture are ---------------------------------------- Response 9 of 23 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/27/78 11:01 pm dr graper / udag the words, "Dr. David Graper, sought for conspiracy and treason." Guard 2: Haben Sie ihn gesehen? Dr. G : Nein. Guard 2: OK. (Satisfied that Dr. Graper has never seen the criminal, the guard returns to his post) Dr G : Whew. That was close. Now, on to the PLATO room. [Walk down a long, thin hallway] [SPERRY/RAND observation cameras track progress down hallway] [Burst into PLATO Room] Alright, everyone! (Pause) [The entire room has been stripped of all its terminals, and nothing remains but a few pieces of dust, gum wrappers and miscellaneous garbage on the floor] ---------------------------------------- Response 10 of 23 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/27/78 11:06 pm dr graper / udag Where is everyone? "There is just I," says a voice from the dark corner of the room. "Who is it?" "Who are you?" "I am Dr. Graper." "Prove it." "Alright. Who else but Dr. Graper has a "KILL RETARDS" sweatshirt?" (Rips aside coat, exposing silkscreen design on sweatshit) "Then you are he. You ARE Dr. Graper." "Yes." "Do you know why you are here?" "No." "Good." ---------------------------------------- Response 11 of 23 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/27/78 11:11 pm dr graper / udag "You are to undertake an odyssey, Dr. Graper." "Nice." ---------------------------------------- Response 12 of 23 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/27/78 11:19 pm dr graper / udag The First Voyage of Dr. Graper "Boy," he thought, "what a shitty night of janitoring this was." Dr. Graper, now home from his work at cleaning the Newark Public Toilets, sat heavily on his bed. "I'd say a toke or two would be nice. Especially that nice Thai stuff." With that, he reached up to the bookcase, pulled down the hollowed out book entitled, "How to Build Deck Patios" and withdrew a baggie of marijuana. Tired as he was, he took great pains to push every single particle of the illegal weed into the oversize bowl of his bong. "Do da doo dee" he sang meaninglessly. Dibble dibble dibble went the water into the bong, pop went the match as it exploded into life, burble burble went the bong as he placed it to his lips. But just as he was about to ignite the weed he stopped. He didn't want to smoke in his room, he thought. He'd much rather smoke in the basement. It stunk so bad ---------------------------------------- Response 13 of 23 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/27/78 11:25 pm dr graper / udag down there no one would tell. Hell, and he wouldn't have to go through those stupid adolescent worries about Mom and Dad smelling the dope smoke smell in the morning. "Seems better to knock off a few bowls in the basement," he said to himself. So, with that, he took the baggie, the bong and the matches down in the basement. Cuddled in between the model train set and the boxes of old children's games, he lit up the bong and took a toke. Then another. And so on. Ten bowls later, he sat back and smiled BARZZZZZZZ!!!Screamed an unknown thing What the hell? he thought He stood up all in a hurry, pulling down a huge shelf of christmas decorations. BASSHH went all the ---------------------------------------- Response 14 of 23 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/27/78 11:31 pm dr graper / udag Xmas ornaments all over the place "Woah, Jesus!" he whispered, regretting having made so much noise. The buzzing device was louder than ever. He ran around the basement, knocking over bicycle wheel rims, tipping over the ping pong table and turning over a whole box of TIDE detergent. "Where the hell is that buzzing coming from?" From upstairs , he could hear his parents running down the stairs, like there was a fire or somet. . . THAT WAS IT!! He looked over to the basement ceiling! It was the Captain Kelly Smoke detector, set off by the dope smoke! He ran up to the detector, ripped it off the ceiling, and searched it for a way to make it stop buzzing. "How the hell," he queried, "Do you shut it off?" It had no OFF button that he could see. His mind raced for answers. ---------------------------------------- Response 15 of 23 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/27/78 11:37 pm dr graper / udag His brain screamed out possible solutions. "CUT ITS POWER SUPPLY!!" He searched furtively for a way to get out the batteries, but they were behind a plastic screwed in panel. The panic mounted, and from deep within his soul his primal being surfaced, screaming out its own solution. "SMASH IT ALL UP UNTIL ITS DEAD!" He threw the smoke detector on the ground and smashed it with his feet. It stopped . However, unlike what all the people say, marijuana smoking turned out to be dangerous. Under the influence, he was not able to revert to his normal self and remained in a semi-retard state for the rest of his life. ---------------------------------------- Response 16 of 23 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/27/78 11:41 pm dr graper / udag The Second (Golden) Voyage of Dr. Graper Woah. Too much drugs and too much alcohol. I feel sick. Christ, I might puke. Hey wasn't it drugs and alcohol that killed: Jimi Hendrix? Karen Ann Quinlan? Jim Morrison? Oh Christ. I feel myself. . .wanting to sleep. Can't Sleep!! CAN'T SLEEP!!Jimi Hendrix thought he was going to sleep when he. . . .ohhh. . . . ---------------------------------------- Response 17 of 23 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/28/78 12:10 am dr graper / udag [Door swishes aside] Captain: What is it, Sulu? Sulu : Captain! We've had another jolt! Captain: What? More Night Train Wine? (From across room, Spock looks up from scanner) Spock : Affirmative. Alcohol Content 54%. Captain: Jesus, I've got four billion brain cells to keep during this journey and. . Sulu : Captain! Approaching at starboard bow! [All the lights on the bridge dim, everyone on bridge shakes back and forth] Spock : Direct hit to shields 4 and 5. Captain : What's the status of those shields, Chekov? Chekov : Four is weak, five is destroyed. Spock : Five thousand brain cells destroyed, sir. Captain : DAMN!! (Pounds fist on arm of chair) Try and revitalize those shields! Chekov : Aye aye, sir. ---------------------------------------- Response 18 of 23 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/28/78 12:17 am dr graper / udag (Dr. McCoy comes busting out of elevator) McCoy : Captain Graper! Captain : What is it? McCoy : I've got fifty thousand dying brain cells on my hands!! Can't you stop this?? [Another sudden jolt dims lights and blows up instrument panels] Sulu : Another direct hit to the starboard cerebrum. Chekov : Motor and Sensory controls out of action. Captain : What's wrong with this fool, pumping all this alcohol into his system? Get me the logic center on the communicator! [Bleep Bleep] [Voice on Communicator] Logic Center: Logic Center to bridge. . .(giggle) Captain : Why the hell did you allow a psychedelic drug/ alcohol intermix?? You can't mix them cold! Logic Center: Hey, man, why don't yu just hop off the train if the ride's to stiff (giggle giggle) Like, man, I don't jump on YOUR power trip, man and, like ---------------------------------------- Response 19 of 23 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/28/78 12:24 am dr graper / udag Logic Center: . . .like, man, I don't want to lay my own games on you, you know man? Like, everybody is a part of everything, so it's all NOTHING, get it? You know. . . [Click] [Captain switches off communications with Logic Center] Captain :It seems the intermix has reached the logic center. Christ knows what'll happen if it gets any further. . . [Blinding flash, rocks ship violently] Spock : Captain. Captain : What is it Spock? Spock : A direct hit to the lower central nervous system. Directly in the cardiac and respiratory control systems. Captain : That means. . . Spock : Precisely (without any change of emotion) In twelve minutes, the systems will close down. Captain : (Pacing deck dramatically, close up on face) . . .In other words, we all die. . . . ---------------------------------------- Response 20 of 23 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/13/78 5:37 pm lynch / unidel [Dramatic Rise in Music] [Close-up of Captain's worried face] [Fade down] SPACE FOR CHEAP COMMERCIAL ABOUT A MADE IN TAIWAN FOOD SLICER THAT'S 90% CHEAP PLASTIC AND WILL BREAK AFTER THE THIRD TIME YOU USE IT MADE BY "RONCO" AND COSTING ONLY $9.95 [Fade up to captain and scotty in the main propulsion room] SCOTTY: Cap'n! You cannot dew it! CAP'N : Don't be so defeatist. SCOTTY: But reversing the intermix of chemicals to form water is only a theory!! CAP'N : A theory it might be, Scot, but it's our only chance. . . VOICE : CUT! CUT! ---------------------------------------- Response 21 of 23 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/13/78 5:40 pm lynch / unidel CAPT: What the hell? SCOT: Aye, what is it now? [The figure walks onto the set] [It is the director, dressed with dark glasses, sports shirt and carrying megaphone in hand] Drct: I quit, you bastards! CAPT: What do you mean, you quit? SCOT: Aye, what is it now? Drct: Every week, for three seasons, it's been the same. We get into impossible trouble and you take a one in a million chance on some stupid theory of impossible physics that ALWAYS works! I quit! CAPT: You can't quit! You write the scripts! SCOT: Aye! (Sulu, Uhuru, Spock, Chekov, McCoy, Nurse Chapel and a host of aliens join in the chorus) CROWD: No! Don't quit! ---------------------------------------- Response 22 of 23 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/13/78 5:41 pm lynch / unidel Drtr: well. . . Crwd: C'mon! Don't quit! (The director/writer pauses for a moment and considers) SPOCK: You'll never have to write a standard script again! McCOY: And we'll act any way you like! Drctr: Well. . .(looks at all the actors). . alright. [All the actors jump up and down and cheer] Drctr: But I'm going to take an entirely new track. CAPTN: That's alright by us! SPOCK: Sure! CHEKV: Da! Drctr: OK! (Slaps hands together) Then what I want is to make the show. . .different. McCoy: How ya gonna do that? Drctr: Easy, Bones! I'll just take on a new motif. CROWD: (Cheers) ---------------------------------------- Response 23 of 23 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 2/28/78 4:28 pm lynch / unidel The Third Voyage of Dr. Graper [Sounds of brass section blaring away at theme song] [Quick cuts of violent action] [Up com