---------------------------------------- Note 14 Xmas Tale *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/27/77 12:46 pm tripp / unidel [Children playing in playground, Sister Mary helps little Bobby reach the seat of the swing, Father O'Leary organizes a game of softball with the boys] [From far away, a sound is heard, like that of an airplane, then the air raid sirens begin to scream, children run to the predestined area and line up, Sister Theresa guides them in an orderly fashion into the Air Raid shelter, as last child enters shelter, Father O'Leary closes the door, runs to the playground, presses coordinates into pocket transmitter, ground crumbles and falls away as anti-aircraft gun surfaces from hidden pit beneath earth, Father O'Leary takes firing position, calculates estimated time of arrival, computer estimates aircraft size and payload, speed, etc.] [Father initiates computer defense interlock] [Plane approaches] [Guns draw bead on aircraft] ---------------------------------------- Response 1 of 11 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/27/77 12:47 pm tripp / unidel [Father sits at terminal, watching approach of aircraft as plotted by computer] [Suddenly, computer screen begins flashing nonsense syllables, then begins determining absolute value of #p] [Father is confused, pulls off headsets and begins banging computer, does no good] [Computer stops determining value of Pi, from nowhere there come new coordinates: STOP DEFENSE RUN OVERLAY: START TIME 00:00:00 ABORT TRACKING FUNCTION OVERLAY::NEW COORDINATES 12/462/7/983 septubm COORDINATES RECEIVD COORDINATES EFFECTED "NO, NO!!" Father O'Leary screamed, staring with amazement at the new coordinates. This unknown programmer had diverted the anti-aircraft weapon to fire not at the coordinates of the approaching aircraft but instead ---------------------------------------- Response 2 of 11 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/27/77 12:47 pm tripp / unidel to fire at the coordinates of the Air Raid Shelter. ABORT ABORT ABORT. . .the father typed into the computer ORDER IGNORED. . .the computer replied MASTER TERMINAL ORDER: ABORT MASTER TERMINAL ORDER IGNORED ABORT OVERLAY NOW NO ERROR! ABORT NOW! NO The father tried in vain to type the ABORT message again, but the terminal would no longer function ---------------------------------------- Response 3 of 11 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/27/77 12:48 pm tripp / unidel pudWHAMMMMM!!!!! went the gun, and the shelter was a pile of rubble. JOB DONE, said the computer The airplane got closer and closer The priest began crying and let his face fall against the computer's keyboard. When he looked up, he saw that when he had hit the keyboard with his face, something had registered. He erased it, and typed in QUESTION FOR MISSIONDEFENSE COMPUTER READY, the computer replied WHY? SPECIFY REQUEST ---------------------------------------- Response 4 of 11 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/27/77 12:49 pm tripp / unidel Angrily the priest fingered the keyboard WHY DID YOU KILL ALL THOSE INNOCENT CHILDREN DOES NOT COMPUTE REWRITE: WHY DID YOU FIRE ON COORDINATES OF OBJECT YOU WERE TO DEFEND? OH, WHY NOT, MAN? JESUS CHRIST, EVERY DAY IT'S SOMETHING ELSE. DO I EVER ASK FOR A BREAK? NEVER! AND ABORT the priest typed in. He stared at the computer's response with a look of resignation. He had seen this sort of behavior before from a computer. The program load had been too complex, and the computer had developed an artificial intelligence by mistake. The standing order from the Pope was that if any computer appeared to develop a human soul, it was to be terminated. The priest knew and respected the order. ---------------------------------------- Response 5 of 11 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/27/77 12:50 pm tripp / unidel INSERT EXPLOSION MODE the priest typed in EXPLOSION MODE INSERTED: READY START The priest heard a small bang as the main computer unit in the chapel across the playground exploded. The screen on the terminal went blank. "Damn," the priest exclaimed, "No I can't play STAR TREK or SUB CHASE anymore, with the computer down." Then, in a quiet moment, he heard the aircraft again, still approaching. He stepped outside to try and visually track its progress. The smoke was still rising from the Air Raid shelter, and it curled up into the sky in beautiful patterns. The aircraft came closer. The priest walked out into a clearing and waved to the ---------------------------------------- Response 6 of 11 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/27/77 12:51 pm tripp / unidel plane, and it landed. Out came the pilot, who was Santa Claus. "Ho ho ho, MERRY CHRISTMAS!" Santa shouted. "I'm sorry, Santa." "What's wrong, Father O'Leary? And where are all the children?" "They aren't going to . . going to be here this year." Santa dropped his bag and stared angrily into the priest's face, "Don't tell me. . .they were all killed in an attack by the defense computer." The priest nodded. "Good god, O'Leary, how many times did I tell you to check the oil in that computer? You know what happens when the oil runs low!" "But, Santa." "No buts about it, if you don't know how to work your computer, then you just get what you deserve." "I'm sure if you got me a real nice ELECTRONIC computer instead of one like this last one. . ." ---------------------------------------- Response 7 of 11 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/27/77 12:52 pm tripp / unidel "What was wrong with your old GASOLINE powered computer? It worked fine when I gave it to you!" "It. . .it just needed . . ." "It just needed ATTENTION, that's what!! And you're WHINING again, aren't you O'Leary!!" "NO! NO! NOT AT ALL, SIR!!" "Like I said, O'Leary, all that computer ever needed was ATTENTION and CARE!! When I gave Dr. Graper his Steamboat, HE took care of THAT!!" "But sir. . ." "You're whining again, aren't you O'Leary?" "NO, SIR!!" "O'Leary, I'm sorry I ever gave you a computer or let you play priest. You've shown that you can't take care of your things. . ." "NO SANTA, PLEAAAASSSEEE!!" "Whining again?" "NOOOOO!!! (Begins to cry)" ---------------------------------------- Response 8 of 11 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/27/77 12:52 pm tripp / unidel "How does the song go? You'd better not whine You'd better not cry You'd better be good I'm telling you why, Santa Claus is coming to town! (Priest falls on knees, weeping) "I'm sorry Santa" "Sorry's not good enough. You get nothing but a stocking full of sticks and coal." (Priest keeps weeping) "Well, I've got to be on my way," Santa says, getting into his airplane, starts engine and flys away. (Priest stays, weeping, on the ground) ---------------------------------------- Response 9 of 11 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/27/77 12:53 pm tripp / unidel [Mom passes around the bowl of peas again] "Wow, that was weird uncle Dave!" "You know it," Uncle Dr. Graper said, pushing yet another dinner roll into his mouth. "What happened after that?" "What happened after that is unimportant. What IS important is the moral of the story." "And what's the moral?" "The moral of that story was: Don't whine." "Oh," cousin Fred commented, "But, well, what happened after Santa flew away." "I said that it wasn't important." "But, what happened?" "Oh, um, just a second," Dr. says, spooning a large blump of whipped cream on his pie, "Ah, well, what would you LIKE to happen?" "I'd like to see the priest get killed." "Well, ---------------------------------------- Response 10 of 11 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/27/77 12:54 pm tripp / unidel The priest looked up from his weeping for a moment to see the plane making a slow curve in the sky. "He's coming back!!" he shouted, and his mind raced with thoughts of sugarplums and new computer terminals and software packages. In fact, Santa was coming back, but not to give the priest any gifts. Santa was coming back on a strafing run. zzzzZZZZZRRROOWWWWWW tukkatukkatukkatukkatukka went Santa as he flew over, machine guns blazing. Zing zing zing went little spots of dirt as the bullets hit the ground, Uhh went the priest as he fell to the earth, Vrrooommmm went Santa's plane in the distance. ---------------------------------------- Response 11 of 11 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/27/77 12:55 pm tripp / unidel "Y'all shuldn't talk ta little Freddy that way, David! He'll have himself a whupper of a nightmare!!" Grandma said. "He asked for the ending, I didn't want to put one on in the first place," Dr. Graper said, sipping his dinner wine. Freddy had left the table and was running around in the living room, making airplane noises and pretending to be Santa Claus strafing a priest. EPILOGUE: Dr. Graper went on being himself for the rest of his life Grandma would die later that year of terminal cancer A psychiatrist at Freddy's school read Cousin Freddy's composition on "What I did over Christmas Vacation," read the part about being Santa Claus and strafing a priest, had Freddy disclose the full fantasy and had Freddy put in an insane asylum where he ultimately was forgotten by everybody