---------------------------------------- Note 13 Xmas *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/23/77 12:24 pm farmer graper / udag [Man sits down in comfy chair, opens beer, turns on television] Well, let's see what's on the T.V. tonight. . . . hmmmm. . . .(flips through TV GUIDE). . .ahh, this looks good. . . ."A Charlie Brown Christmas". .channel 3. . . [Reaches down to television and changes it to channel 3] (Sounds of TV changing channels) bzzhssssbrought to you by Tastykake! Tastykake! All the good things wrapped up in one! And SONY electronic products, "If it's a SONY, it's got to be good!" and DuPont! We're doing a world of things with chemistry! and McDonald's! You deserve a break today! And McLaren's Paints! We've got a million colors for you!And Phillips Milk of Magnesia! Favorite Stomach reliever of Americans since 1877! And Scott's Lawn grass! Scottspromisesyouagreener . . . . Man, this is sickening, all these commercials. (Watches on for a few more seconds, then flips channel) I wonder what's on Public Television tonight? ---------------------------------------- Response 1 of 20 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/23/77 12:32 pm farmer graper / udag [Flips channel selector to PublicTelevision channel] [Huge PBS logo on screen, out comes announcer's voice: "In a minute, MASTERPIECE THEATER."] Wow, at least on this channel they don't have any commercials. I wonder what this MASTERPIECE THEATER stuff is? [PBS Logo fades down, up come the strains of classical music and a picture of a British flag waving in the breeze, announcer with British accent says: "Masterpiece Theater, with your host, Alistair Cooke. . . ." [Picture of waving flag fades down, classical music fades down, up comes picture of old British gentleman (Alistair Cooke) sitting in comfy chair in front of a fireplace, snifter of brandy in one hand and a book in the other, behind him are rows and rows of impressive ancient leather bound books] ---------------------------------------- Response 2 of 20 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/23/77 12:42 pm farmer graper / udag [Alistair swiggles his brandy slightly, takes a swig, and begins to talk] " . . .This being christmas eve, and this being a production made solely for our subjects in america, we'd like to break from tradition and do something a little special tonight. Usually, we present only British plays derived from the works of a great past British or Britain-born author. However, tonight we are taking a different tack altogether. "Tonight, in honor of our American viewers, we have decided to put on a production based on a book by an AMERICAN writer, a prominent professor at several Universities and until recently a prominent social figure. I of course speak of Dr. David J. Graper, writer of this book (holds up a leather clad volume), entitled, 'Christ of Nazareth.' "Although never intended to be made into a play, it suits itself quite well to the play format, and the performance of Graper's 'Christ of Nazareth' you are about to see is most probably done in exactly the way he would ---------------------------------------- Response 3 of 20 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/23/77 12:52 pm farmer graper / udag have wanted it. "Critics worldwide have praised and denounced this religious work, the TOKYO TIMES calling it '. . .a disgrace to all prose everywhere. . .' while the JOURNAL OF PIPE FITTERS AND RIVETERS claimed that it was '. . .a moving, touching work. . .' "So, the feelings are many towards this play. Dr. Mark Penner of the Institute of . . . [Man shifts in chair, opens another can of beer] I wish they'd just get on with it!!! ". . .so it can be seen that this play is a flashpoint in controversy. " It must be remembered that Dr. Graper is of a slightly abstract bend in his writings, which will become more evident with the progression of the play. It is because of this abstractness that he has received such attraction and rejection by the people. "It may seem strange to do a play on the death ---------------------------------------- Response 4 of 20 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/23/77 1:02 pm farmer graper / udag of Christ on the eve of the celebration of his birth, but the story presented is, we feel, quite timeless and is just as appropriate now as ever. [Man settles back in chair, halfway through second beer] FINALLY, they get to the Play! "Oh, and one last thing (Alistair giggles slightly) This play is being performed live at the London Opera House, transmitted via satellite. A peculiarity to a performance of a play by Dr. Graper is that, although the Dr. refuses to actually aid in the direction or setting up of his play, he always appears in a cameo role, much like Alfred Hitchcock. No-one knows what role it will be, or when he comes on, but he always makes a subtle appearance as a minor character in the play. . . It always adds excitement to it, I think. . . . . .so, now, presented by the London Play Society, Graper's "CHRIST OF NAZARETH" ---------------------------------------- Response 5 of 20 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/23/77 1:14 pm farmer graper / udag [Quiet as they cut to London Opera House] [Curtains closed] [All is Dark] [Sound of Gong, the curtains slowly part] [Stage is made up to look like a McDonald's Restaurant] [Behind counter there are twenty men, all dressed like Ronald McDonald] [One Ronald McDonald jumps atop the counter and screams: BRING IN THE NEXT CRIMINAL!] [Two men walk in, holding a third man between them, the two men are dressed as skin divers and the third man that they hold is wearing a white cloth robe. The third man's face is indistinguishable since he is wearing a deflated basketball over his head] RONALD Mc: ART THOU CHRIST OF NAZARETH!????? Third Man: Mmbmbmmbm (Voice indistinguishable from inside basketball) ---------------------------------------- Response 6 of 20 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/23/77 3:32 pm farmer graper / udag RONALD Mc: So thou ART he, eh?? Well, I am PONTIUS PILATE, registrar of this Region for the Emperor Caesar Augustus!! Those behind the counter are the members of the council (The other Ronald McDonalds behind counter nod heads) What are the charges against this Christ of Nazreth? Skndver 1: He claims to be king of the Jews! Skndver 2: Yes, that he claims. RONALD Mc: SO, THAT IS WHAT YOU CLAIM?? Jesus : Mmpphshs RONALD Mc: WHAT?? (Slips on counter, knocks over straw dispenser) Jesus : (Turns to audience) Mmp pshs mmph! Mmphj jkdll mmmgh mnmnbvm phmmnmn! [Ronald McDonalds behind the counter murmur with amazement] RonMcPILATE: INSOLENCE TOWARDS CAESER????? GUARDS!! FLOG THIS MAN!!! [Two Guards come from stage right, one dressed as a chicken and the other as Adolf Hitler, grab Jesus and ---------------------------------------- Response 7 of 20 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/23/77 3:38 pm farmer graper / udag tie him to a nearby cactus] Ronald McPilate: Art thou DEAF? Flog him!! [One Guard rips the receiver of a telephone, stretches out the cord, and begins to flog Jesus with it] (Man in comfy chair is confused) This is weird. Let's see what else is on. . .(Flips channel) [Farrah Fawcett Majors is in a bikini, chasing a man through a parking lot] Farrah: Stop!! Stop!! [Now they're running through a forest] Farrah: Stop!! Stop!! [Now, she's chasing him along a beach. Her top looks like it'll come off any second] Farrah: Stop!! Stop!! ---------------------------------------- Response 8 of 20 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/23/77 3:45 pm farmer graper / udag (Man in comfy chair looks on in bewilderment) I don't want to see this (changes channel again) CHANNELCHANGE bzznrband from the people at Coca Cola, nothing refreshes like Coke, and from the people at Bell Telephone, Long Distance is almost as good as being there, and from the people at the Howard Johnson's, come spend the night with a friend, and the people at CHANNELCHANGE bzznrbut Snoopy, what is the meaning of Christmas? Snoopy: [Begins to dance] Cut to Tastykake Commercial: BUY TASTYKAKES!! EAT TASTYKAKES!! BUY TASTYKAKES!! EAT. . CHANNELCHANGE [Farrah Fawcett Majors running through a room of computer terminals, chasing a man] Farrah: Stop! Stop! CHANNELCHANGE ---------------------------------------- Response 9 of 20 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/7/78 11:23 pm farmer graper / udag (Billy Graham stands in front of a crowd of thousands, smiling in idiotic, unthinking fashion) BG: AND CHRIST SAID, "FORGIVE US OH GOD FOR WHERE IS THE BOAT? DO I HAVE TO WALK ON THE WATER AGAIN?" AND SATAN, THE EVIL ONE, THE CRUEL ONE, THE BRINGER OF MISERY AND NAUSEA AND CALLUSES AND CHAPPED LIPS SAID, "TURN THE BREAD INTO A BOAT, AND I. . . CHANNELCHANGE PILATE: (Still dressed as Ronald McDonald, but now wearing a Dunce cap on top of his red wig) What do you mean, Christ of Nazareth, that you knoweth not your Zip Code? Jesus : mpmmmmphmhsmphm CHANNELCHANGE LAWNMOWERS BRING HAPPINESS AND CRAYOLA CRAYONS, ALL THE ---------------------------------------- Response 10 of 20 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/7/78 11:35 pm farmer graper / udag COLORS IN THE WORLD, AND CHANNELCHANGE (Back to Play, Now Ronald McDonald/Pilate has discarded dunce cap and is beating Jesus over the head with an oversize styrofoam baseball bat) PILATE: TALK, JESUS!! TALK!! JESUS : Mmmphmph [Crowd in the English Playhouse begin screaming approval for Pilate] Soldir: Pilate, hark!! PILATE: Hark what?? (Drops oversize baseball bat, crowd goes "Awwwww.") Soldir: Something from the west!! [All look towards the west except Jesus, who can't see outside the deflated basketball on his head] [Stage snow begins to fall on the set] ---------------------------------------- Response 11 of 20 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/7/78 11:44 pm farmer graper / udag PILATE: Is it Injuns?? (Puts on cowboy hat) Soldir: Nope. PILATE: Damn! (Takes off cowboy hat, picks up oversize styrofoam baseball bat and gets ready to hit Jesus again, then: [Sound of Vienna Boys Choir Singing "Do the Hustle," from stage left three wise men appear] PILATE: Who art thou, you three travellers?? KING 1: I am King One. KING 2: I am King Two. King 3: I am King One. PILATE: And what do you want?? KING 1: We wish to worship the newborn king Jesus. PILATE: Boy are you ever late. (Unexpected sound as Ronald McDonald Number 12 accidently backs into burger-frier, plastic hair catches fire, runs off stage. Other actors pretend not to notice) PILATE: How knewest thou where to come to? ---------------------------------------- Response 12 of 20 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/7/78 11:52 pm farmer graper / udag KING 1: We followed the star. PILATE: A very likely story. I say you are spies for Prince Hamlet!! (Then, a sound comes from stage right) (The sound of a motorcycle) (A Harley Davidson 1000 CC Chopped Hog Deluxe) [BRRUUUMMM comes a motorcycle from stage right, atop it is a leather clad rider who waves to the audience] [All the stage lights go down as the motorcycle driver slowly makes his way to stage center, followed by a spot- light] [Crowds are cheering wildly] [Voice of Alistair Cooke breaks in] Alista: It seems that the crowd has discovered the cameo role of Dr. Graper!! (even Alistair's voice is hard to hear above the cheering and the roaring of the motorcycle engine) [Motorcyclist gets of bike, leaving it running, and walks to stage center. Walks up to Pilate with note in hand] [Tries to speak but crowd too loud] ---------------------------------------- Response 13 of 20 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/27/78 9:48 pm dr graper / udag Dr Graper: I am king Herod. PILATE : Herod? Dr Graper: Aye. And these. . . [Points to stage left, where three other motorcyclists, also clad in leather and astride big motorcycles, ride in] Dr Graper: . . .these are my assistants, "Herod's Angels." There's Spike, Blade and Piss. [The three motorcyclists wave in recognition of their names] PILATE : Very well. Know you of this man "Christ of Nazareth?" Dr Graper: Nay. (Burps loudly and drops can of Budweiser) [Crowd cheers at the dramatic rendering of King Herod. Dr. Graper raises hand and crowd silences] Dr Graper: Well, whatcha gonna do wi' him? PILATE : I have questioned him, yet he will not plead in his own defense. Dr Graper: Heh (Turns to fellow bikers) What do we call people what don't talk? ---------------------------------------- Response 14 of 20 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/27/78 10:33 pm dr graper / udag [Spike, Blade and Piss all shout out at once:] WHINERS!! Dr Graper: Yeah! Christ : (Head still in basketball) MMpphmhmpm PILATE : Well, what do we do with him?? [Dr. Graper smiles, points to Spike. Spike giggles, gets four pieces of chain out of his cycle storage box] Dr Graper: Bring this Christ of Nazareth to ME!! (Crowd begins murmuring in fervent anticipation) Dr Graper: SPIKE! BLADE! PISS! LET'S GO!! [All four bikers get one of the chains, goes over to Christ and pulls him to center stage] [Spike and Blade tie one end of their chains to Christ's arms, the other end to the backs of their bikes] [Dr. Graper and Piss tie their chains to Christs legs, and then tie the other ends to the backs of their bikes] [All four rev up their bikes as Christ wiggles on floor] ---------------------------------------- Response 15 of 20 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/27/78 10:40 pm dr graper / udag Dr Graper: Alright, Christ of Nazareth, I'll show ya what we thinks of WHINERS!! [The bikers rev their choppers even louder] Dr Graper: GO!! [All four bikers take off in different directions, and Christ is pulled apart at the seams] [Curtain falls] [The Crowd goes wild, security men hold them back] [The words, "THE END" lights up in neon lights from above the stage, and standing ovation roars throughout the theater] [Cut back to Alistair Cooke sitting in studio] . . .and so goes Graper's great work, "Christ of Nazareth." This EASTER, we'll be showing Graper's second work, "Christ Arises," in its uncut form performed live at the Philadelphia Spectrum. . . .CLICK ---------------------------------------- Response 16 of 20 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/27/78 10:43 pm dr graper / udag [Man shuts off television, turns off desk lamp atop TV set] Man: I just can't understand this stuff sometimes. [Man turns off lights to living room, goes into far away bathroom, tinkles, brushes his teeth and goes to bed] [Snow falls outside] ---------------------------------------- Response 17 of 20 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 1/27/78 10:49 pm dr graper / udag THE END Pontius Pilate. . . . . . . . Ronald McDonald The Man . . . . . . . . . . . Mark Penner Jesus Christ. . . . . . . . . An Unknown Terminal cancer patient Spike . . . . . . . . . . . . Mr. Rogers Piss . . . . . . . . . . . . Oscar Madison Blade . . . . . . . . . . . . Henry Winkler Herod . . . . . . . . . . . . Dr. David J. Graper Guard 1 . . . . . . . . . . . Hans Bathelt Guard 2 . . . . . . . . . . . Ernest Borgnine Senators. . . . . . . . . . . Themselves "Christ of Nazareth" An abstract Christmas play written off-and-on by Dr. Graper ---------------------------------------- Response 18 of 20 1/30/78 7:17 pm eric schact / mathx it was good but not worth waiting a month forit!! ---------------------------------------- Response 19 of 20 1/31/78 1:20 am houghton / udnondev grapenotes 1/30/78 7:17 pm eric schact / mathx it was good but not worth waiting a month forit!! ******** WHY are you WHINING??? DGDL ---------------------------------------- Response 20 of 20 2/1/78 8:39 pm eric schact / mathx arrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh captain sir! permission to dispose of myself!!