---------------------------------------- Note 12 Dr. Graper *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/16/77 12:42 pm farmer graper / udag Dear Friends: (Old, tattered man opens your car door) Howdy! C'mon back to the barn!! YOU: Ah, wha. . .where am I? Fgr: You're on the GRAPER spread now, pardner! YOU: What? Look here, sir, I was sent here to meet a "Dr. Graper, Master of Reality" concerning the rights to his "Textbook of Humor." Fgr: Yer lookin' at him, son! C'mon, I'll talk to you while I'm milkin' the cows. YOU: Well. . . I suppose (Doubtful look in eye as you follow old man back to big red barn) Fgr: Here! (Hands you a pail) YOU: What do I do with THIS? Fgr: Ya MILKS with it, ya city slicker! (Laughs as he lights up corncob pipe)C'mon, I gots to milk Bessi now. YOU: Now look here, sir, I want to find DR. GRAPER! Fgr: I IS Dr. Graper, son! ---------------------------------------- Response 1 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/16/77 12:51 pm farmer graper / udag YOU: I cannot see how that could be possible. Frm: No, huh? Well, how about this? (Wild, blowing wind, you find yourself in a whaleboat somewhere in the north Atlantic) (Ropes cut the wind, creating an eerie whistling background to the flapping of the sails) YOU: What? (Men are running all aboard the ship, throwing ropes oars into a gunnel boat, one grabs you and pulls you aboard, SPLASH down into the grey waters) YOU: HEY!! I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE!!! AAA: Shutup, ye blitherspade, or the Cap'n will cut ye in two! BBB: Aye, don't let him hear ye a-speakin' that way! YOU: Who are you talkin' about? AAA: Havn't ye ever heard of the terrible Cap'n Gra. . ARGGHHH (Falls, harpoon through his chest) (You turn around and see an awesome figure standing at the boat's keel) ---------------------------------------- Response 2 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/16/77 12:59 pm farmer graper / udag You: WHO ARE YOU?? (Figure remains silent, staring down at you, then turns back to you) You: How come he harpooned that sailor? I would think behavior like that would really get him in trouble with the captain! BBB: He IS the cap'n! You: Well, I'd certainly think with harpooning his sailors all the time, he'd have no crew. . . BBB: He just. . .ARGHH (Whip snaps and BBB writhes in pain) CAP'N...CAP'N, I'M SORRY!! Cap: WHAT? BBB: (Shouts louder) SORRY SORRY!!! VERY SORRY! Cap: (Whips him again and again) You were WHINING, sailor!! I hate whiners!! BBB: OH GOD, I'M SORRY!! Cap: Well, maybe throwing you to the sharks might make you a bit sorrier!! (Kicks him into sea) The sharks know how to take care of whiners!!! ---------------------------------------- Response 3 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/16/77 1:05 pm farmer graper / udag (Captain turns to the other sailors in the whale skiff) CAP'N: CREW!! Crew : (Mumbling in unison) yes sir. CAP'N: We know what the first commandment of the sea is, DON'T WE?? Crew : yes sir. CAP'N: WELL?? WHAT IS IT?? Crew : "Thou shalt not whine." CAP'N: RIGHT!! And just you remember it!! (Crew gets back to work) You : Who are you? CAP'N: DO YOU WANT ME TO 'ANG YOU FOR WHININ'!!! uYou : . . .but. . .but. . . CAP'N: Me name is CAPTAIN GRAPER, sailor! You : What? CAP'N: And YOUR name is "Sailor Whiner!" You : I am NOT whining! (Captain turns bright red, steam toots out of ears) (Captain turns to crew) ---------------------------------------- Response 4 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/16/77 1:11 pm farmer graper / udag CAP'N: Crew!! We've got another whiner here!! (Crew mumbles, looks at you) CAP'N: He says, he don't know my name!! What's the SECOND commandment of the sea?? Crew: "Thou shalt know the captain's name. . . ." CAP'N: RIGHT!! And don't you FORGET it!! Now, what does we do wi' whiners? Crew: . . .we hangs them. . . CAP'N: RIGHT!! Alright, sailor Bunwhipe, get the rope! Bunwp: . ..aye aye sir. . . (Two burly sailors come from behind, hold your arms behind your back) YOU: HEY!! YOU CAN'T DO THIS!! (Two sailors giggle, saying "He kin do anythin' he wants on this boat!!") CAP'N: Sailor Bunwhipe!! Place the noose around the whiner's neck!! YOU: NO!! NO!!! DON'T DO THIS!! CAP'N: Whinin' to the very last, ain't ya?? Well, let him SWING FROM THE YARDARM!!! ---------------------------------------- Response 5 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/16/77 1:25 pm farmer graper / udag YOU: NO!! NO!!!!!! CAP'N: Hoist him up, lads!! (Then, from the crows nest: WHALE HO!! WHALE HO!! WHALE HO!!) CAP'N: Hold it, boys! (Looks up to crow's nest) What is her size, matey? (While Captain is determining the whale's position, the two sailors dissappointedly take noose from around your neck) CAP'N: She's a WHAT??? CCCCC: A white whale, sir!! CAP'N: (Quietly) My god. . .the WHITE whale!! YOU : What about this white whale?? CAP'N: It's the whale what ate off me. . .me. . . . YOU : Your what? CAP'N: He ate off me. . .me. . .you know. . . YOU : I don't know. CAP'N: Itdon't matter. . .I jest want me revenge YOU : I don't understand. CAP'N: Are you whinin' AGAIN????? ---------------------------------------- Response 6 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/16/77 1:34 pm farmer graper / udag YOU : What?? CAP'N: #p#a,#b#d!! YOU : What? Crewmember: Oh my god. . . . CAP'N: #p,#d#a#b#p#s!!!!!!!! YOU :What's going on here?? Crewmember: You didn't. . .didn't ask him about how the whale. . . .bit off. . . YOU : Why, yes, I did ask. . . Crmem: Oh no. That's why he's . . .speakin' in Greek!! YOU : I don't get ANY of this at ALL!! Crmem: It's his rage about the whale. . . it's. . .oh my god. . . .here, kill yourself quick!!(Hands you a knife) YOU : I . . .no, I mean. . . Crmem: Quick!! Quick, before he . . .oh NO!! CAP'N: #a,#b#d. . .wha, the WHALE THE WHALE!!(Begins screaming in psychotic rage) YOU : I don't OH NO . . .ARRGGHHHHHH!!!!!!! (Captain grabs harpoon, begins puncturing you with it) ---------------------------------------- Response 7 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/16/77 1:41 pm farmer graper / udag YOU: OH, CHRIST, STOP IT!! I WON'T WHINE ANYMORE!!! Fmr: C'mon, c'mon back now. . .(Farmer Graper gently poking you with the stem of his corncob pipe) YOU: Wha. . .why, it was all. . . Fmr: Jest a distortion of reality. . . YOU: The harpoon was. . .your pipe, the voices were the cows, the noose was. . . .my own TIE!! Fmr: Yup. YOU: You. . .you ARE the master of Reality!! Fmr: Uh huh. YOU: But. . . .but I had heard that you were doing humor research at the Univeristy of Delaware!! Fmr: I was, but jest got fed up. . .had to "return to my roots." YOU: But why? You were doing such advanced work!! Fmr: Well, one day I was a'writin this story when, well I heard the news that. . . . YOU: That what? Fmr: Somebody had read a story of mine and . . . .died YOU: Well, some people just can't handle it. ---------------------------------------- Response 8 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/16/77 2:06 pm farmer graper / udag Fmr: Well, you know, what does a leper do when he sees what his disease will do to people?? He just has to take off and leave. YOU: But Dr.! You are hardly "afflicted!" Fmr: OH YEAH?? YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO LOOK INTO THAT KID'S PARENTS' EYES!! YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO SEE A CRYING MOTHER OR UTTERLY DEPRESSED FATHER OR WHIMPERING PET DOG!! YOU: I'm . . .sorry. Fmr: And you didn't have to explain it to the police. YOU: What happened? Fmr: The judge ruled it "Humorous homicide." Suspended sentence. YOU: Oh. Fmr: But . . .but (mind wanders off) well. . .well, I've got chores to do!! I cain't jest be bendin' realities all day. YOU: Oh. Well. Um. Gotta be going. Fmr: Right. Here, could you take some mail for me? ---------------------------------------- Response 9 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/16/77 2:13 pm farmer graper / udag YOU: Sure. (Take mail) (Both of you walk back to car) YOU: Well (closing car door) it's interesting to see you, Dr. Graper. Frm: FARMER Graper. YOU: "Farmer" Graper, then. (Start car) Say, if you're so worried about being a hermit farmer, then why'd you let me come here? Now I know where you live. Frm: You won't tell. YOU: I'm sure a lot of people would pay BIG money to know. Frm: I'm sure you won't tell. YOU: How very trusting you are. Well, thank you for your time (and you drive off, paying close attention to the trees and the look of the land, remembering everything) Well, now I know where he. . .what? (Look in rear view mirror, farm and barn and cows all fading away) I. . .what? (Look around, seeing car, seat and scenery all dissappearing) XXX: Well, what'll it be? ---------------------------------------- Response 10 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/16/77 2:18 pm farmer graper / udag YOU: Ah, where is my car? XXX: In the parking lot, I hope. May I have your order? (Look around, see that you're standing in line at McDonald's in your home town. ) YOU: Wow. Would you believe. . . .no. Forget it. XXX: MAY I have your order PLEEEEEEEEASE? YOU: Oh, ah, two hamburgers, large fries, coke. . . XXX: Large or small? YOU: Large or small what? XXX: Coke. YOU: Oh. A large coke. XXX: Will that be all? YOU: Uh, yeah. . .yeah, sure. (Reach in pocket, pull out five dollar bill. On front of bill is picture of Dr. Graper, smiling, in place of Abraham Lincoln) You: What a way to spend an afternoon. ---------------------------------------- Response 11 of 19 *** A Story by Dr. Graper *** 12/16/77 2:19 pm farmer graper / udag The End ---------------------------------------- Response 12 of 19 12/16/77 4:51 pm d sherwood / phystemp so why is the note titled __(Dr. Graper )? (No! I'm not whining! I'm just nitpicking!) ---------------------------------------- Response 13 of 19 12/16/77 5:36 pm lynch / unidel Dr. Graper usually doesn't come up with the most descriptive titles for his notes. This is the first note he wrote here "live", and that's just what he named it. All the others were retitled by Dan and myself as we transferred them here. ---------------------------------------- Response 14 of 19 12/16/77 6:34 pm lupin / city thats a good enough reason for me!? ---------------------------------------- Response 15 of 19 1/5/78 11:19 am d sherwood / phystemp lupin: why the question mark?! ---------------------------------------- Response 16 of 19 1/25/78 6:29 pm teter / ouhsc are you WHINING sherwood? ---------------------------------------- Response 17 of 19 1/30/78 7:23 pm eric schact / mathx i do believe that he whining!! AND YOU KNOW WHAT WE DO TO WHINERS!!!! ---------------------------------------- Response 18 of 19 1/31/78 1:18 am houghton / udnondev grapenotes 12/16/77 4:51 pm d sherwood / phystemp so why is the note titled __(Dr. Graper )? (No! I'm not whining! I'm just nitpicking!) ******** You're whining... DGDL ---------------------------------------- Response 19 of 19 2/24/78 7:28 pm d sherwood / phystemp I yam not. So there.